Panda of the Year

Turns out that Pandas are finally getting some sort of recognition of their beauty and grace,seeing as one of them was put in the BBC's woman of the year award. Not just a beauty pageant of course, but an award that recognises the true grit of character. Pandas are chock full of that.

"Sweetie" was the panda that has been nominated for this prestigious event. Who the hell would call a panda Sweetie though? If I were a panda, I would deem it a bit patronising. I'd like to be called my normal name, "Tian-Tian" that the original owners had called me. I don't know what Tian-Tian means, and even if it does mean the same thing, at least it sounds better.

So yes, what has Tian-Tian done to be up with all these other prestigious names in the human world? Pauline Pearce, the have a go hero, and Adele, the crooning wailing pudding ball, are all on par with Tian Tian. Well, she's endangered. It takes a lot to be endangered. Out of her WHOLE species that's ever lived, there are only a handful of them left. And she's moved house to Edinburgh zoo with another (male? i can only presume) bear in order to mate/do what they do. THIS NOBLE RACE MUST BE PRESERVED.

Or is that just what we think?
You can't force pandas to have sex with each other. That's just degrading. Maybe this is their swan song?
A dying race that's already dead at heart due to captivity.

However, I would also like to know what other merits were taken into consideration when awarding this title. Did the contestants have to write a poem or something? Was there a shortlist? What were the requirements in the first place? To be awesome and done something that gets you notice, as well as have ovaries I assume. However, unlike Adele, or this have a go hero lady, Tian-Tian possesses many more hidden talents.

Did you know that the real reason why pandas are believed to be extinct is because most of them have colonised underground, found a loophole in the space-time continuum by an infinitesimally small chance and migrated to the place where Star Wars is. All Tian-Tian is doing is being cute and lonely so we have nothing to suspect.

Pet Peeves of this Year.

Hello.

Here is a list of things that have PISSED ME OFF in the past 12 months. They include:

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FATTY

Slow walking fat people in the middle of the pavement that you just can't quite physically get past
Sleeping through an alarm, or not knowing whether you've slept through it or it hasn't gone off.
Turning your alarm off in your sleep
Rotten milk
Not scraping leftover food into the bin before putting the plate in the washing up bowl
Printer not working - paper jam.
Ringing head office to get a new printer and calling america to find out that the old printer's fucked
Finding a cotton bud stuck in my own printer, and realising that it was the cause of all the paper jams.
Head colds
Blocked noses
Getting into work late because you forgot what time your shift started.
Getting into work early becaue you forgot what time your shift started
Paul McCartney and his bloody Christmas song
Being a penny short on a purchase

ICE CREAM? IT'S 5 DEGREES OUT HERE!

Having too much change
Sticky keys that won't turn in the locks very easily
The fact that my room has an alarming rate at reverting back to entropy after tidying
Staying late at work unpaid. But everyone does it
Pens running out.
Everyone stealing my pens
Putting spaghetti in the fridge by mistake
Misplacing keys
That lady who lets her dog shit on people's doorsteps. I hate her.
Rude people in shops.
Popular stock not coming back in on a delivery
Scooping ice cream
People who buy ice cream on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Mentalists.
People who pay for stupidly small transactions on their card. I am one myself, but I tend to overlook this fact. I would rather someone paid for it in coppers and small change, I don't mind counting it all out - than use their debit card.
Bicycle being broken
Bus on a Monday morning at 8am with hormone-driven 16 year olds.
Being cold
Really really really windy.
The short battery life on my phone.And the fact that it doesn't have buttons
Lots of money to no money. I don't know where it goes.

I'm sure there is lots lots more. In fact certain. However, I'll leave it for now.

UNrelated note :)

Quantum Physics to the Masses.

Such a charmer 

Meet Doctor Brian Cox. I'm pretty sure that you must at least be partially acquainted with him via your silver screens? If not, then I'll sum him up in brief for you. He's the Physics teacher you never had. Instead of going grey at the age of 27 and developing a bad temperament by the age of 30, he was in a rock band. True, he may be grey, but not in the grey, balding and thinning look associated with most physicists his age. True, he may be as old as my mum, but he's preserved himself better than most other teachers/lecturers of science. He's the science teacher that's down with the kids but doesn't look sad and old doing so.

Fission? Fusion? Gah.

It's really brave, this thing that he's doing. He is actually trying to teach us something through our television sets, and trying to teach something that not quite everybody grasped when they were at school. Mainly because physics involves maths. But look here now! Here's the man giving us a second chance at education and is going to blow our little minds through our tv sets! Won't everyone look smart when they chat about it in the staffroom over coffee?

However, you can tell that Brian Cox actually wants to teach you something. The only thing is that the poor bloke doesn't have a clue what's going on with trying to engage the right kind of audience. Of course everyone will switch it on because it's interesting, but some of the things that he tries to explain on there are so oversimplified that they're wrong. For example, in his first three or four-part series about the universe, I swear that he said that fusion in the Sun wouldn't go past Helium. I mean, you know, squeezing two particles together under immense heat and pressure to form a larger particle and releasing heat as a result of this is quite a difficult concept past two. However, he is forgiven, because in the last thing I saw with him on, he got fusion right.

These are all the different types of P orbital

He was actually on some show the other night about the Universe (he was giving an oversimplified talk again... but I guess I have to give the man a break. He is a professor after all and it's been a while since he's been at general-numpty level). I only caught the second half of it, where he explained to the audience generally how electrons were arranged in orbitals inside their little shells. I would've been surprised if my sister hadn't given me the heads up that electrons are crazy. Well, more crazy than I was originally led to believe, but I've accepted that now. However, he explained it very well for a physicist and then went on to wow the audience with Heisenberg's principle of uncertainty.

 I'd never quite understood it before, because I think that the book that I read it in dressed it up in flimsy analogies, when all I really needed was someone to draw the equation on a black board and watch Johnathan Ross suffer miserably at mental arithmetic. Of course, I think that was the only equation that I saw (probably too much maths might scare the public), but I was impressed by the fact that he'd actually used maths on prime time tv and people were still interested!

After the show it had a couple of close-ups of some of the celebrities in the audience stating that it was "eye-opening" and "mind-blowing" and they struggled to grasp some of the concepts. Hold on. He's defining quantum physics in baby terms and making a hash of it for you. Why doesn't he do a fast-track calculus show in order to get the nation up to the level of maths required to actually understand quantum physics thoroughly? I'd be up for it. But I don't know. That might just be me and everyone else who has a slight grasp on the science world. Of course I know many people who just refuse to watch him outright, oversimplifying and selling out the particle physics community.

When I watch his shows it always turns out that I know/at least grasp the concept of the concept that he's trying to put across. However, it's something in his delivery that makes him easy to watch and understand. Just one day, could you put something slightly more challenging on TV please?

Not again.

I don't think that I can take the torture much longer.

Kill it with Fire. I do not want to witness this again next year

I don't understand how anyone could possibly like Mr Paul (or is he a Sir? He certainly doesn't deserve it after what he's done to society over the years...) McCartney's age-old Christmas hit "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time". I could not ever have imagined a song so bland and dull becoming a time-weathering hit that could be considered a "classic". Well, a "classic" by someone whose opinion is so ridiculously outlandish that it is automatically classed as void. Or they're well and truly two tokens short of a toaster. More like trying to obtain this toaster by trading in bottle tops instead.

"Simply.. Having.."
"FUCK OFF DICK'ED"

I guess I wouldn't hate it so much if I hadn't heard this song about 15 times in the past 2 days. Actually yes, I would. All they seem to say is "Simply .. Having.. A wonderful christmas time" ad infinitum. They might say that there are some verses in there, but they're lying. If you listen to the "verses" backwards they sound exactly the same as the chorus. The worst thing is that it doesn't really explore Mr McCartney's vocal range either, and leads us all to hang around the same three notes all throughout the song. Yes, it would be great for those that are vocally challenged to have a little go at a sing-song, but can't they keep it in their own homes? Paul sounds flat on the record as well.

HOW BLOODY REPETITIVE IS THAT RECORD AS WELL?! It sounds like he isn't having the most wonderful christmas time if he's having to constantly reassure himself and his party that they are having a wonderful time every five seconds. I personally think that it's the song that most murders are committed to in the retail sector from the period of October to January. There must be some hidden meaning in it setting shop staff against each other in the stressful busy festive period.

Not long left to go now though. Just one working day left. I really really really need to burn that CD the second we shut on Christmas Eve. Actually, every copy of it that exists needs to be destroyed. It has tainted the world for too long. And also the sad thing about getting older is that you get more and more sick of hearing the same songs every year.

He's not still got it.

2011... A bad year for the Greats.

OH KIM JONG IL. WHY YOU GO?!?!?!
THIS IS NO FAIR. YOU PROMISED ME THE MOON! D:

As a well-respected dictator who died with dignity and grace and was capable of harnessing the divine power of the sun in order to continue on to another world, it seems only fair that I pay some sort of tribute to Kim Jong Il really. We all know that his son, even though he may be able to kiss swallows and catch kingfisher's tears and decant them into a life-giving elixer for his worthy subjects, will never be able to fill Kim's shoes. Kim's shoes have been kissed by too many unearthly sprites for that. But of course, he controls these sprites...hmm..

What did Kim achieve in his lifetime? I know he did a lot, but what are the true landmarks?

Kim Jong's moon anchor technique.
Very successful and a huge hit with
his people.

DESPAIR AT THE LOSS OF THE
GREAT ONE

For one, he brought his people the moon. How fucking awesome is that. I want my true and pure supreme leader to bring me something good every once in a while, just to keep the oppressed somewhat  occupied so that we can't notice the oppression. And it's going to sit on his specially designed hand for holding the moon?!?! How frigging awesome is that! We could see it when we go on holiday or a pilgramage to see the supreme and awesome and brilliant and excellent One! Science? What is that? Some hocus pocus make belief saying that the leader can't do what he wants to? Fuck you, we don't get taught about this by the leader so it must not be right! Of course we can have a moon in our back garden, it looks very pretty. It's against Physics? Well our leader is against Physics so fuck that! I'm going to cry I'm so happy bawwwww

EVERYONE LOVES THE GREAT ONE. He can make rainbow
fairies impale small unicorns

He was also a magician when it came to economics or feeding the country. Everyone had a job because the statistics said so, and pretty much everyone could read, write, recite the owl and the pussycat went to see and remember the Fibonacci sequence and was taught its relevance in nature. No one could possibly go hungry in this marvellous country. There's the moon here, for fuck's sake! Why would they have a moon if they couldn't feed themselves? That's ridiculous. It was only old traditionalists who refused to move from the middle of the countryside and enjoyed subsisting off bread and rice and water who actually did that. Everyone else feasted like kings on quince and figs and sea bass and chihuahua puppies and baby dolphins and ran free with the snow leopards.

North Korea = much nicer climate

You know why there aren't any pandas and siberian tigers and snow leopards anymore? It's because they thought that North Korea was just so much more awesome than the rest of the world and their old homes, so they moved in with good old Kim. They really hated the rest of the world so they didn't let them know where they went, and Kim let them move into his summer house with a spectacular view. The snow leopards liked scaling the rocky summits whilst the pandas enjoyed chowing down whilst sunbathing on a lilo in the pool. They were going to come back but Kim Jong was so nice and awesome that he permitted them to stay, as long as they would perform at his Moon-greeting ceremony.

Lots of kumquats to appease great one

Whilst the rest of the world thinks that Kim Jong Il is no more, they could not be more wrong. What they do not realise is that Kim Jong is merely taking a break from the human realm and is chilling with a giant hookah and Buddah up on a cloud not too far from Kim's Mum's house. Except that Kim is of course, omnivident so he can see if his son is leaving the throne room a mess again (for goodness' sake, the incense must be left on the third shelf, not the second, as it just doesn't look right there!)and if his people are in danger. And of course, if his people are in trouble, he has every intention of seeing to them, seeing as he is omnipotent as well as omnipresent, and giving them many pearls of advice through desperate times. Starving children due to a swarm of locusts destroying the crops? Have no fear, the former Kim Jong Il is still watching over you. Make him an offering of a thumb and he shall watch over you with a keen eye until next Wednesday at 11.00am. After that he will require a kumquat and a small golf club in order to guarantee your protection.

Western human no funny.

Of course, the rest of the world didn't quite "get" Kim Jong Il. That's because he was too ahead of his time, too in touch with the spiritual forces that governed the world and had too much control on them to allow the other world leaders to understand. I mean, they couldn't even BEGIN to comprehend how awesome and powerful Kim Jong Il was so what could they do? They're all stupid, and the only thing that they know how to do is laugh. They're not clever enough to learn from Kim and too worthless to bother teaching, so they can have their little joke. But one day Kim's power will rule and reign true.

For it predicts, the sacred scripts describe (the sacred scripts written by the blood of a bear that Kim Jong Il killed when he was 3 and he realised that he was truly on a path to greatness)that the great one will rise again and rule all. He will shit on Jesus Christ when Jesus tries to steal the limelight, and will then punish all the Christians for not believing in Kim Jong. They shall be punished by being chased around a mulberry bush for eternity, with cramp in their left toe whilst being taunted by a giant pufferfish. And two gay men. Yes. All who have not been true to Kim will be punished.

IT'S SO CLOSE? OM NOM NOM

Kim hadn't stopped at the moon though. No. Soon after his death (really his recuperation period for when he has to rise again at his worst) it was discovered that he had been concocting plans to bring Mars to his people so that they could feast on Mars bars and solve the problem of world hunger. Everyone knows that Mars well and truly has a gooey and caramely centre, and there isn't enough food on earth for everyone. Kim Jong was a genius to start thinking of this sort of thing. It really shows his compassion for the world, which sometimes didn't come out to well. He was sometimes a 'me me me me me' person, but truly, at heart, he too had a deep soft, gooey, caramely centre. May he reign true when he returns,.

There are also rumours that he may be coming back with his best buddy Gaddafi  once Gaddafi stops sulking into the pile of silk pillows about his demise. 

I have a new follower?

VOILA! Here is a ridiculous post showing my gratitude to this poor soul that has decided to follow my blog. Thank you! I feel loved for once... sort of.

WE ARE THE X-FACTOR GENERATION

Here's Katie... I mean Beryl? Well, not actually her. She's
fictional. This is from the internet.

Here is a story, all about Katie. She is a hypothetical Katie, completely made up. If there is actually someone out there called Katie who has a story that runs parallel to this, I sincerely apologise as it must be a coincidence. May be the name could be substituted for Beryl? I find that not enough Beryls tend to be represented in works of utter fiction these days, so I think I may give the name Beryl a shot. So yes. This isn't a story about Katie, this is a story about Beryl. However, I guess it must run a similar course to many other girls out there, because Beryl isn't a special girl at all. Nothing out of the ordinary, just like all of the other girls out there.

OFF ON'T LASH MERT

Like all of the other girls out there, Beryl wanted to be famous. She didn't care what for, she just wanted to be famous, have lots of money and not really work very hard. She also watched a lot of tv. On tv, ordinary people, just like her, got famous very quickly. They made lots of money and were very happy. One day, Beryl thought that she could do this too. So, she signed up for the X-factor to go on and then be a star.

When it came to the day, she froze up in front of the judges, and gave them a mediocre performance. However, before they had time to boot her off, she came up with something ever so beautiful. It went a little something like this:
"Ere mert, I know my singing's proper gash like, but you should totally put me through cos I got a well good sob story and this ain't no singing contest and you know that, it's a total personality contest." The judges looked at each other and reluctantly nodded. "I've 'ad an 'ard life, innit. Me mam's blind and I have 15 brothers and sisters an 'ave to look after them and cook and clean and shit. I got knocked up when i were younger, kid's father tried to knife me then found out that the kid has downs syndrome. I was like, it's all your fault mert, but he was like proper gash innit and walked out on me and his kid. My brother said he'd bray im when 'e's older..." She continued in such a fashion that the judges let her through on the sympathy vote. With a performance like that, they couldn't possibly turn down such a diamond in the rough.

The dream?

In the preceding weeks, autotune was on Beryl's side, and the nation loved her. Everyone could relate to her, and she ended up winning the public vote and the nation's hearts. And the competition. And shit loads of money. The people who usually slander the show had given up on criticising it after 15 years of the same sort of drivel, and had decided to start concerning themselves with political commentary instead. That meant that dear Beryl was saved from the usual facebook and similar social media slating that previous contestants had been subect to the wrath of. And now she was free. SHE WAS FAMOUS.

Upon winning the competition, she made a call to her best friend and went something as follows:
"ERE MERT GUESS FUCKIN' WOT!!!!!!"
"YOO WOT DICK'ED?!!!!" her friend replied.
"I JUST WON THAT FUCKIN SINGIN COMPETITION DIN'T I AND NOW I'M LOADED. You fancy goin out and gettin pissed to celebrate?"
"WHITE LIGHTNING TO CELEBRATE?"
"FINK WE CAN BE MORE UPMARKET LIEK. GET SOME LAMBRINI DICK'ED. FUCK MCAT LADY, LET'S GET US SOME COKE"

Everyone's fave.

Two weeks later, she lands washed up on her sofa with £2.56 to her name and a pack of tobacco to keep her company. She's off to the jobcentre soon to get back on the dole innit.

Grumpy Guts.

I'm not quite sure as to the reason why, but I've been ever so grumpy lately. By grumpy I guess I mean in a near-enough constant foul mood with people, becoming irritated by the slightest thing that displeases me. Of course it's all completely irrational (or I'd like to think that it is), but bloody annoying. I want to go back to not being the One-that everyone hates because they hate you.

Might it be something to do with my housemates? For starters they're just not as cool as the original housemates (due to the fact that I got a new set of them in September/October, replacing my favourite familiar faces with new ones D:), but let's face it, no one will ever be. They're also not as old as the old housemates either. Old housemates were all postgrad, either working or going back to study for their Master's, so were around their early 20s. That was fine, I'm used to hanging around older people than me, in fact I rather enjoy it. But now, this lot are all young! It's quite scary thinking that most of this lot were living at home this time last year, seeing as they're all freshers. But now I've gone from being the youngest person in the house to one of the oldest, and I don't really like it. It feels like I should have responsibility over something, when all I really want is none at all. I have too much doing other things, fuck that.

The other weird thing about having younger housemates is obviously that they lack life experience, and these guys haven't had a year in the halls to toughen them up. Their attitude just seems rather naive to me, making a big deal about small things (well, not necessarily small but small enough for me to overlook them these days). For example, a busy week rota'd in at work. Inwardly I would be cursing and swearing, yet I wouldn't be moaning about it to everyone, because let's face it, no one really wants to hear you going on about your problems again and again. It also looks to me as they're viewing university as some big extension to school... Oh dear.

The other annoying thing is that they're also making me miss my parents. Which is weird, because I don't normally miss them.... I went through pretty much all of last year without missing them, so why now? I guess it's because these kids are either off to their parents' at the weekend, staying there and seeing all of their friends etc etc, so it seems like they haven't moved in properly at all., How can you move in and settle when you go home for the weekend? I thought this was meant to be a big step for independence, most people need this! I know that I did when I left home, and I'm more responsible now for it. But if you go back to Mum and Dad every weekend it's hardly showing your independence or solidarity is it?

Hm. It's probably a bit of an "it takes one to know one" situation here, so I'm sure they'll grow out of it fast/into individuals who can fend for themselves. I guess that I'm just jealous of their youth.

Maths shall rule the world.

Yep. This is maths in action.

If it doesn't already, that is. And I'm pretty sure that it's the under-ruling, underlying principle for pretty much everything in this universe. What I just don't quite understand is how so many people hate maths. WHY?! It's easy! It's brilliant! Most of the time you can only be right or wrong, and if you become really good at it you get to play with imaginary numbers! Like the square root of -1!

I don't know. Maybe I'm just sad, and have it in my genes (practically a certainty). But if you think about it, it's the universal language of everything. Go to a man in Vietnam (provided that he's somewhat educated in arithmetic), indicate the amount of product you want by holding up the relevant number of fingers, he give you correct amount most of the time. You understand? Even something as simple as that is understood everywhere. And you can use it to help formulate and prove theories... It goes on and on and on.

Why are people stuck at 45 x 56? Can no one acquaint themselves with Pythagoras as easily as they used to? Because it seems that all you lot got stuck at the boring bit. You know that we have calculators to do all the silly little arithmetic work these days, one must save one's thoughts for something more testing! Like coming up with new theorems and shit. If you're too busy trying to devise some sort of mechanism or order for a black hole, the last thing you want to be doing is multiplying 438776888 by 29.

I've realised that I like Maths because it makes sense. Having a couple of weeks of maths lessons has made me want more. May be it's a good thing that I stopped before calculus (I think) etc etc... I enjoy being blissfully unaware.

I'm going to do a post about neurotransmitters cos they're awesome.

I love neurotransmitters more than I love maths these days. And don't get me wrong, maths is excellent! Yet if it weren't for these lovely little things that opened up my happy pathways, where would I be without neurotransmitters? Life would be terrible without them. Of course, I barely know anything about this. I might as well waffle on about my favourite couple of chemicals, overgeneralise and misrepresent the whole field and degrade and misinform people of these wonderful things. Oh well. But just so you're warned, I don't know much about this yet. But I shall do at some point soon.

So I guess that first we have our amino acids. Glycine, Alanine, Valine, Leucine, Isoleucine, Methionine, Proline, Cysteine, Phenylalanine, tyrosine and Tryptophan. Of course, this is not them all. There are 20 in total, or sometimes 21. It's debatable. However, Tryptophan is the super-duper one that is on my wall at the moment. It is an essential amino acid, ergo must be obtained through diet (I heard that turkey's good, and so's cheese, but I wouldn't place money on it) and helps with release of the neurotransmitter serotonin and in turn, some sort of synthesis of melatonin as well. That's the happy chemical and sleepy chemical to those who aren't so bio-molecularly minded out there...

I thought we said STRIKE? Not SHOP?!

Oh my giddy aunt, there is no end to this baffling and confuzzlement of this country to me. It is really quite annoying. First people say that they'll take a day off for a strike, then the rest of the nation uses this as an excuse to go Christmas shopping. Excuse me, but how does this work? Surely striking should be sticking it to the man instead o causing an inconvenience and pumping several billions more into his pockets?

Ahh, remember, remember, the 30th of November... The day of the public sector strike. Nurses fucked off to stand on picket lines for the day, alongside teachers and probably school dinner ladies and university lecturers. I'm not quite sure who else, but anyone in the public sector really, you know, helping the public. I have no problem with this because they are making a stand. Why should they take a cut in their pensions when they're being forced to pay more into the scheme as well? It makes no sense. Yes, I know that we are in a recession, but aren't 70,000 jobs being gotten rid of over the coming years as well? Shouldn't that spare us a few extra pennies? I mean, obviously you could get the funds from somewhere else, but the public sector is easy. They're just there, we can lob off a few more jobs here and there...

I don't know why they don't look back onto those mega-rich independent businesses for help. Or the mega-rich independent businesses should be forced to help and ask for nothing in return, yet there's a highly unlikely chance that'll happen.

So... If we're so poor;

WHY DID WE ALL GO OUT BLOODY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ON THE 30TH? 

I thought that we were meant to be making a stand about corporatism and fighting the man who's keeping us down, but instead, no. Let's take the kiddies out, buy some presents, celebrate consumerism and make that man who's making our lives a living hell even more the richer. I couldn't stand anyone who wandered into the shop that day in hope of completing their Christmas shopping, and it was a shame that there were a lot of them. I was even wished Merry Christmas by one, obviously one blissfully unaware of the best part of a month that lay between that day and Christmas.

I swear that that day was so busy that it felt like a Saturday. full of grumpy speed-shoppers, because that's what Saturday shoppers are like. No time for a chat and all.

Shortpost

There are too many long posts about crap on this blog. I need to either refine my technique or go on a cull. Perhaps a combination of the two would be best seeing as the last two posts were rather vacuous... Hm. Would like some ideas for subject matter HALP

Lose 4 stone in just as many weeks using these 5 easy steps!

I don't understand why adverts like this are still popping up all over my advert space on the internet, when it's clearly not a feasible feat. Everybody should know this by now, and yet people are stupid enough to still believe that there's a way to get thin without leaving the couch. Or maybe I'm just underestimating the average intelligence of your average skinny-figure aspiring, ice-cream-and-donut-loving internet user.

My personal top tips

1. Eat less. But not too little. Actually, only eat when you're hungry.
2. Stop eating crap. Greasy things make you fat because it's cooked in fat.
3. Move more. More you move -> More energy body requires -> more you can eat
4. Only put in what you need out. It's like fuelling a machine.
5. Diet pills are silly. Even if they initially make you lose weight, when you go off them and you're still stuck in the same habits as when you went on them, once you finish the course YOU WON'T STOP GETTING FAT.

The whole concept of weight loss is simple. If you eat less and move more, you lose weight. Simple. Of course it's easier for some than others, because ... I don't know, some people are more inclined to eat healthier food? or they don't sit on the sofa all day? I don't believe that there are some people out there who actually sit in their house and don't leave the television set except to urinate, defecate or to get food. It's quite obvious that they don't need that much energy (I mean, they are just sitting down, which can hardly be counted as a strenuous activity), yet they must not grasp the concept that you don't need that much food whilst vegetating on the settee. If you're a hard-working builder and decide to have a bacon and egg sandwich and a mars bar for lunch, following a busy morning's brick-laying and tea drinking, (can builders lay bricks?)a heavy lunch is justified. Fuel for the afternoon. Yet Little Miss Couch Potato wonders why she's getting fat whilst munching on a sharing size pack of doritos during Jeremy Kyle.

I used to work in a health food shop, and the number of people looking for quick-fix diet pills were phenomenal. The majority of these women weren't necessarily worried about their health, but needed to drop a couple of pounds for their holiday or wedding, and fast. What I always wanted to tell them was that if they had eaten better before, they wouldn't have been in such a predicament! And now there they were, a fortnight away from their long-awaited vacation and stressing about how they would look in a bikini. To tell you the truth, I'm glad that I don't holiday with this type of people. However, despite my initial impressions, I would always politely approach them and help them find the right product. Who knows, they may actually want to change their lifestyle after all!

A typical conversation would go like this:
Customer: "Can you help me find something that would help me lose X amount of pounds in Y weeks?" (Values X and Y completely unobtainable)
Myself: "I can certainly find something to help start you off on the right track, though I think that you're setting your goalposts too high! 3-4lbs a week is more achievable and I can help you find something that will help you with that."
Customer (looks a little apprehensive): Alright. I should've started earlier then, but anything that helps would be great!
Myself: Is it alright if I ask you a couple of questions first? Just so that I can help find the right products for you?
Customer: Of course.
Myself: First of all, the killer question. How would you describe your diet?
Customer: (hesitating) I think it's alright, I guess. There are the odd days here and there where I fall down. [The odd day? No kidding. I don't know why these people lie to someone who wants to help. I only start judging you if you aren't truly honest and come back to see me in 6 months time with the same problem]
Myself: We all have those. What sort of foods are your weakness?
Customer: Sweets and cakes. But I do snack a fair bit as well on crisps when I get home from work before making the kids' dinner. But the rest of my diet's good! I only have takeaway once a week and I don't eat breakfast so I can save my calories for later in the day! [No dear, it doesn't quite work like that...]
Myself: Okaaaaay... And how much exercise do you get?
Customer: I walk to my office and back from my car every day, and I sometimes take the stairs. I don't really have time to do exercise.

What I want to say/what this lady needs to hear yet isn't allowed to because I would appear to be completely insensitive and not complying with the high levels of customer service that rigorously must be maintained:
Righto. First of all, don't lie to me about your diet. If you have a shit diet, just say so. I'll give you some advice and some support to help you beat sugar cravings and overcome unnecessarily calorie-laden yet nutritionally sparse foods that you so love. It'll help you with energy levels! Mood swings and sleeping patterns! But no. You're not in this losing weight thing for the long haul are you? So you most certainly do not want to disclose your true dietary habits to an impartial shop assistant who, god forbid, might tell you off! If you can't face up to the fact that you have a crap diet and yet can't shed the pounds, maybe you need someone to do so. But no, by saying your diet's alright you're effectively closing off a route that may help you.

However, having classified your diet as "alright", you then go on to say that you are impartial to the odd cake and sweet (one at 10am, 11am and 3pm perhaps? Those are my personal weakpoints), snack on a bag of crisps at home most probably after cake and have a takeaway (probably at least, she doesn't look like a woman with true willpower) FREQUENTLY? What is even the appeal of takeaways anyway, when you can make the same meal at home, it will taste loads better for the fraction of the price? I guess that we're just a nation of junk-food addicts with the aspirations of achieving a toned flexible physique trapped underneath rolls of blubber.

I guess that's what the government think as well. I think they're now saying that nearly half of under 10s are approaching obesity or are obese and we're a nation of fat people with bad eating habits. So why not have a government drive to stop kids tumbling into an early and extra large grave? So the "Just Eat More (fruit and veg" campaign was launched a while ago, Jamie Oliver gave school lunches a makeover (whilst watching his School Dinners programme I was amazed by the quality and variety of his menus) to help us and our kids. I bet half of the parents who this campaign was aimed at either didn't care/couldn't comprehend the concept or couldn't afford healthy food. Why is healthy food so expensive anyway? You can buy 40 sausages with roughly 20% meat (a variety of pork, chicken and beef plus anything else) for £2, yet a bag of 3 or 4 peppers costs nearly the same amount. Personally I would go with peppers, but I can see why some people go for the bag of frozen sausages. For one, they wouldn't read the ingredients list, and secondly, it's cheap and can feed you for aaages. I guess mums and dads stock their freezers and cupboards up with this rubbish and serve it up to their kids as a meal. NOT A VEGETABLE IN SIGHT.
Let's see... Sugary cereal and toast for breakfast, chocolate bar at break, pizza and chips for lunch with chocolate pudding for lunch, crisps and chocolate biscuits for after school snack and sausage and chips for tea followed by ice cream. For some variety in their diet, take them to a popular fast-food outlet. Mum and Dad obviously hated their vegetables as a child and didn't want to inflict the same torture on their own offspring. I HAD TO EAT  BROCCOLI EVERY DINNER TIME FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. May be I was 3 or maybe 4 when I started, but I still have broccoli every dinner time even now. In fact, I love broccoli, even though it used to be my least favourite part of the meal. If I didn't eat my broccoli, I didn't get any pudding. Simple. I guess kids answer back to their parents too much these days to find these techniques effective...

We also have fat kids because as a nation, we are becoming more lazy. What happened to the days where everyone used to run around everywhere? The days when you'd go and play in the street with a football or hide and seek in the garden or tennis or tig in the park? Gone now, it seems. I used to hate any games that involved sprinting because I wasn't very fast as a child, but I'd still take part. If you didn't, you faced ostracization by your peers, and that's no fun when you're in primary school. These days it seems like kids sit indoors all day on their x-box and cell phone and laptops and watching TV SIMULTANEOUSLY. AND EATING CRISPS. School obviously hasn't taught them that the more you eat and the less you move, the fatter you get, and of course mummy and daddy don't have time to do that. They have to do this and that and are really far too busy to be doing anything more than making sproglet's dinner. In the oven/microwave it goes. Later Mummy and Daddy wonder why child is fat, blame school for not educating child about healthy eating, government changes curriculum to include healthy eating lessons to be taught from nursery school leaving literacy and numeracy even further on the back burner. CHILD IS STILL FAT they later complain. Government changes school dinners. Why are Mummy and Daddy incapable of accepting responsibility? Maybe they're wary that it may flag up some of their poor eating traits, the neighbours would find out about their habits and publicly humiliate them. What a ridiculous food insecurity.

Why were we a nation of hearty meals, yet leaner physique in the past than today? Nowadays it's all or nothing, you're flipping between the on and off phases of yo-yo dieting, overindulging too frequently and unwilling to face it, yet obsessed with organic food, superberries and antioxidants. In a desperate attempt to seem healthy (many would call it a "health kick and that would be the end of it)an unopened jar of overpriced manuka honey sits in the cupboard alongside an open, yet practically full bag of goji berries. It's sad when you're reduced to this marketing ploy to make yourself feel healthy whilst in real life, you're constantly surfing sugar peaks and troughs whilst craving salty meals and greasy treats. All these people that are in denial have to face up to the fact that they have a junk food addiction. Yes. That's right.
ADDICTION.

Like smoking. Junk food is addictive, just like smoking, and it is also bad for you. Smoking is also bad for you as well, but junk food is available to people of all ages and hasn't started to become regulated by the government. I read somewhere that junk food helps release dopamine in the brain (not exactly sure if that's entirely correct, but you get the gist) just like drugs. Except most drugs make you thin because of the dopamine re-uptake etc, which pretty much eliminates the desire to eat. However, as far as I know, junk food doesn't work in the same way as agonists do. For starters, junk food is generally a lot bulkier than most common agonists, and therefore will need a place to sit whilst it's being processed. Not enough room here? Quick! Produce more room to store this shit! It's not waste, so we'll have to make an extension, we're running out of room anyway. Et voila! One Large Big Mac meal comfortably stored around the consumer's abdomen. Another thing is that junk food isn't an agonist either, so as far as my knowledge goes it won't help with the re-uptake of dopamine, so your satisfaction buzz from your Big Mac won't last as long as one from a narcotic. Undoubtedly you'll be seeking more consolation in another form of crappy food at some point soon and whining about it later.

DO PEOPLE HAVE NO WILLPOWER THESE DAYS?

AND WHY DON'T WE MAKE OUR OWN FOOD ANYMORE?! We settle for this prepackaged crap that is pumped full of additives to make us buy it again, using "not enough hours in the day" as an excuse. How do people truly understand what's going into their meals if they're not making it themselves? Back in the day, everything was made from scratch (apart from base ingredients) so you knew what was happening to your food. Why have many people lost this tradition and succumbed to the temptation of ready meals, fatter middles and a very happy and extremely fat cat at the top of the corporate ladder? Make your own pack-up for once,  leave out crisps and put in a couple of apples instead. Ditch coca cola, drink squash or water. Or coffee. Simples.

I am aware that in spite of the fact that I have been preaching these words of wisdom time after time after time, I must admit that I am shit at eating well. I get away with it because I somehow have a way of being skinny, yet I'm not quite sure what it's down to. I guess that I walk a fair distance every day and don't spend all day in bed, and these days I don't even like McDonalds. However, I like muffins. I have the habit of buying a bag of something delicious (like muffins or dates or donuts or apricots or whatever) and eating them all in one go, or failing that, on the same day. With dried fruit this leads to disastrous consequences, rendering me incapable of leaving the bathroom on the same evening. However, when I go weekly shopping for food I never ever buy anything really nice. Just lots of vegetables and cheese and pasta and chilli sauce and broccoli (I can't afford chicken, fuck that)and kid myself that that's all I will eat during the next week. Fat chance.
Instead, I pay through the nose for individually packaged products just so I can only have one at a time because I know that I have no willpower if I go for the value option and buy the larger box that costs fractionally more. Dear lord, I have sacrificed value for healthy eating! But due to this lack of value, I can't buy as many over the course of a week ergo some sort of self-control in place. Only some though. If anything starts to get out of hand, a couple of days of extra hot chilli sauce with added chilli powder in every meal generally sorts everything out.

I would love to see some middle-aged ladies try that out.

Something has gone wrong in my life.

I have now officially watched 2 days of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I feel scarred. I was not brought up to watch that type of trash. In no particular order, here are the "contestants", and my views upon them. If I have any. And I probably do. All very vehement like.

Pat Sharpe.


You are my "in-no-particular-order" first contestant. To be judged. And scrutinised. And possibly have your palm read, revealing your future... Well, I'll have a stab at it.
I vaguely remember him from the good old gameshow FUN HOUSE. It was a REALLY good show, but I had no idea that these days Pat Sharpe  no longer has a mullet nor was a DJ so I barely recognised him when I saw him on TV. Didn't help that I was 4 when I last watched his show, and I think he pretty much disappeared into oblivion after then. BUT NOW HE HATH RETURNED. Valiantly and to the jungle. Strange soul.
He seemed to enjoy his "Bushtucker Trial" (ghastly task that one member must undertake in order to win food for the camp. Expect bugs, snakes and gunge... but good old Pat is used to gunge I reckon), yet is a bit of a twat when it comes to the camp. He is boss of the blue team, therefore he is boss of the young pretty ones. It looks like he's got a new lease on life and acting the same age as these 25 year olds! EMBRACE YOUR AGE SON.

Mark Wright. 24. 
T.O.W.I.E
No, I don't understand what TOWIE is either. Whatever it is, it mustn't require a vast amount of brain power, seeing as this "lad" is still rather stuck in the Neanderthal era when it comes to dealing with the complex problems faced by modern days' society. In the jungle.
All this man has done is ogle at the two youngest female contestants and flirted, then attempted to get them into bed for a bit of "jungle fun". He obviously truly gotten into the swing of things, seeing as his testosterone has skyrocketed since entering the jungle. He well and truly considers himself to be the alpha male, but everyone else can do the cooking and cleaning. When there is no cooking and cleaning left to do in your little camp in the jungle, what do you do? With nothing intellectually stimulating being provided in the camp by ITV, it's no wonder guys like Mark suffer. No mags or media or books to occupy your time with, it's just getting girls these days. Nothing else to do is there until the next challenge! Or food! Or I'm boss!
he could have at least been provided with "An Idiot's Guide to the Jungle".

Sinitta (OH MY GOD) 80s singer
I think there must be something seriously wrong with this lady. Here is a woman who is absolutely terrified of bugs, screams at every opportunity and has to participate in some sort of ritual before facing them. She then decides to go on this TV  show, (I should really hope so) knowing fully well that she is going to face bugs and beetles and nasties whilst on national television. Is she really that desperate and/or insane? She also doesn't seem to grasp the concept that "The louder you scream, the greater the likelihood that you will be voted for again".
Needless to say, seeing as she is crap at these bushtucker trials and they are essential for the camp to actually get some food, everyone is pissed because they're hungry. Well, they're trying to be nice to her face, but many suspect her overreaction to creepy-crawlies is a facade. I don't blame them. When she sounded like she was having an orgasm in an underground tank half-filled with water whilst trying to grasp a star from a poor toad's box, I was rather disturbed.
How she can't do that yet dated Simon Cowell is a complete mystery to me.


Antony Cotton
Actor in Corrie.

Why hello there, Mr Gay man in the jungle. I assume that you're gay because of the way that you speak. So I hear that you're trying to compete for this alpha male role with the guys but in your subtle, non-macho totally camp way? I mean, you know best, don't you, and of course every time you privately pass judgement to the camera and millions of viewers on the other side, of course you're right.You're gay, so you have the last word on cooking and cleaning and everything else of that nature, as well as being the ultimate bitch.
Also, get this. He's the camp's advisor upon rations as well! You know that one day that he was locked up in some vile yellow bin and someone else had to do the cooking for him? Mr Macho Man Alpha Male Mr Brainless obviously has no concept of portion control, was the nicest way that Andy could think of it. That's why you never let men, especially not men like that, cook.
Besides that, I guess he's a bit whiney, missing his creature comforts. That and bitching. Bitching about old people as well.
I guess you don't really have that much to talk about when you've been on Coronation Street for a while.




Dougie Poynter.
In some shitty band called McFly.

My sister used to like his band, but doesn't anymore. I just haven't heard them recently, so that must be why he's come onto this show!
However, it's nice to know that not everyone wants to be top dog, seeing as dougie is just the guy who likes to smoulder in the background, enchanting tweenage girls all over again (I think 5 or 10 years since he first started) and helping out his cognitively challenged mate when faced with sticky situations.
I guess he is one of the most "normal" people in there (though judging by this lot it's not that difficult, and to even consider coming on this show would highlight a problem in the first place) so if it weren't for his dashing looks, I guess the public might find him... dare I say... boring? Or maybe I caught him on a quiet day? Who knows. At least he is capable of telling the difference between snakes and small mammals, and sharing this advice with the rest of the camp. Health and Safety first.

Oh god, I don't thiknk i have the courage to go on and describe the rest of the cast. I am surprised that I made it this far, but never have i been more disgusted at myself for engrossing myself in such a vile show.