I do like trains.

This is my long awaited and anticipated post to all you train lovers out there. It is also dedicated to a fellow train lover of mine who thinks that trains are awesome and special, and I thought she ought to be linked to something awesome and special too :)

This is the Eurostar which is a special type of train that goes under the sea.

I like trains. And you have to agree with me, they are awesome. And that's an actual fact. They've been around longer than cars. That's also a fact. You can wave at people that aren't on the train whilst you're on the train and vice versa. That is also a fact and a very fun thing to do. But you know what? Trains are an excellent conversation starter as well, because everyone knows about them.

Trains on the other side of the world are super duper

If someone's waffling on about flocinaucinihilipilification or the wingspan of a kestrel or even just about quantum physics, sometimes you may  find yourself and one other party may find yourselves somewhat distant from the main vein of the conversation. You want to say something else that you can both relate to without eing too boring but what?! TRAINS. That's what.
It generally starts like this:

*boring conversation in the background*
Yourself: I like trains.
Other: I like trains too.
Yourself: That's awesome. So we both like trains.
Other: Yes. We both do.
Yourself: I like fast trains. They go very quickly from place to place.
Other: It's fascinating how their speed is so fast.
Yourself: Have you heard of those magnet trains?
Other: In passing, but do go on
Yourself: They're the fastest trains out there because they run on magnets and they don't have to get any air resistance and friction from the tracks so they can go faster. They have lots of them in Japan.
Other: fascinated: WOW THAT IS SO AWESOME TELL ME MORE

Isn't that much better than some boring ass conversation about politics? Fuck world hunger, we can talk about trains that are so awesome because they move quickly. Who could possibly feel the need to have anything else as the centre of their topic of conversation?

But why are trains so awesome a topic of conversation? It can't just be because they are fast?
No. It's because they are TRAINS.

ORIGINS OR SOME SHIT
England is home of the train. Brunel, the  grandfather/uncle/baby daddy of the train was born here. Shit, he even invented the combustion engine here which was essential for trains. So really, England is the home of the train seeing as they've been around there since 1850 or some shit. However, in more recent years, England has been letting itself down with its train reputation. Train ticket prices are now WELL EXPENSIVE. Like, back in the olden days when only rich people could afford to go on. THE SAME IS HAPPENING AGAIN. THIS IS NOT GOOD BECAUSE MANY STUDENTS ARE GOING TO BE STRANDED O NO. Mummy and Daddy can't drive everywhere, so students rely on trains to get home. Without them, students will never receive lovely clean laundry and home-cooked meals EVER AGAIN. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. THIS IS NOT THE TRAIN'S FAULT. ENGLAND STILL HAS SOME LOVELY TRAINS.

All these students want to do is go home and have a nice
home cooked meal from their mummy but can't afford to

TRAINS AND TODAY'S SOCIETY

""I want to go fishing," said Thomas.

"Engines don't go fishing!" James retorted. 

"Silly stick-in-the-muds!" sulked Thomas."" 

A lot of trains and train services today can be referred to as "stuck in the mud" because they are frankly, crap. It is quite rare that you actually get a train that is running on time that hasn't been delayed by a small child's balloon flying onto the tracks and getting caught in the pylons or some delinquent youth playing chicken. These train companies have a lot of cheek because despite their shoddy service, they put the prices up lots and lots and lots making it nigh on impossible to see people far away. That sucks. Are they saying that they don't want us to have friends that live on the other side of the country?
I don't have a problem with the people in this place, but I would like to stay in contact with some pretty awesome people from elsewhere. Yes, facebook chat is fine, but it gets a bit dull after a while. I would love to see them but there is one big money-raping barrier in the way. If I pay that much for a train, I would like a seat with more legroom please. I am not that much taller than the average adult woman, but i do happen to like not feeling like a sardine and would like to bring my knees down from my chin a little.
Also I wouldn't like to pay £25 to be standing on the whole journey. Cornwall to Newcastle? I would have very sore legs so no tah.

THE LOCOMOTIVE MACHINE, A THING OF MARVEL AND BEAUTY


Examples of marvels. Everyone forgets the poor machines behind the service, but look at how awesome they are. AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?

LOOK HOW YELLOW THE PAPER IS. THAT IS ONE OLD
TRAIN OR THEY SPILT A LOT OF COFFEE

This locomotive is WEENY OLD. Isn't it a thing of beauty? It runs off steam and loves cuddles as well as weeding the garden on a pleasant afternoon. You can tell it's old because the photo is brown. It didn't go very fast because it needed someone to shovel coal to feed it and coal shovellers weren't very fast or efficient. therefore it didn't reach top speeds. But it broke many land speed records of its time because it is a fighter.

You must like this train. It has some fabulous colours and a very spectacular steam display. Phantasmagorical. It couldn't go very fast either because there was some remtard back there shovelling coal as well, keeping it from realising its full potential.

It could've gone far, but that dickwad Larry was holding him back by not working out enough.

Somethig is wrong

Why has Thomas the tank engine lost his happy face? The colours are all there, and so is the steam, but his eyes and nose and mouth aren't there. Is it possible that you can get blue tank engines that AREN'T thomas?

No. That notion is absurd.

You can see the hate in its eyes

This is an everyday modern train that ferries people from A to B. They break down a lot and don';t run on steam. At least they don't have people like Larry holding them back. However, they do have some retards that mess up the signalling and inconvenience travellers. I'm sure that would make any train sad, but it looks like these days trains are being bred to look most unforgiving. I'm sure that they're dead inside really. Without those electric cables above they are nothing but an empty shell. However, these trains go quite fast. Electricity is good for helping their speed, and it is good for beating the traffic. On a train at least you don't have to see the traffic lights turn red every 40 seconds. You can just read a book.

I wouldn't want to be them

This train looks like it's going very fast but it probably isn't. People like to use the blur tool in photoshop. So really these people haven't just missed their train. Good job too, as it's raining.

On fait du transport comme ceci en France. Pouvez-
vous voire que c'est une mieux idée que  votre système
tragique? NON? tant pis

These are french trains, part of the SNCF. They are well-organised, and partially responsible for why so many more french people are on time to work every day. They can't blame it on the train because everyone knows that the trains are great and on time, so employers deduce that really their workers have overslept. This makes employers angry so the French wake up early and make sure they set off in good time so that they don't risk losing their jobs. The only time the French have a reason to be late with the trains is if the workers strike. The French love striking so once every 6 weeks or so the train drivers go and yell at someone to no avail and the rest of the country put their feet up at home. Doesn't that sound awesome?
These trains with the pointy snouts go much faster than their british counterparts and don't need coal either. Coal is a thing of the past. I don't know whether these have magnets or not, but I wouldn't be  surprised if they did.

don't stand so close to me

Some countries aren't as fortunate as us in train technology. Take India, for example. They don't know how to build trains very well, or the principle train builder died and no one knew the true art to building trains afterward. I don't know, but that could be a theory as to India's shortage of trains. There are certainly too many people for that train. That poor train is truly overencumbered! You can't hear it cry over the sounds of the other passengers!

trains can't climb walls. I know they're awesome, but they aren't
caterpillars

India have a lot to learn because these trains can't go very fast with all those people. It's physics. F=ma or a=F/m. It's tough to go faster with a small(ish) force compared to the mass of the object. Because people are heavy in large numbers. And lots of passengers make it difficult for the driver to see out of the rear view mirrors properly.

This is not a bullet. It looks like it can hurt

This is a Japanese train. It runs on magnets. It fills me with great happiness because it can go so fast.

Just to reiterate, I like trains.
You should too.
They are important
And really cool
A great conversation starter
Fun to talk about at dinner parties
breaks any awkward silence splendidly

I hope this was sufficiently informative. Love.

2011... A bad year for the Greats.

OH KIM JONG IL. WHY YOU GO?!?!?!
THIS IS NO FAIR. YOU PROMISED ME THE MOON! D:

As a well-respected dictator who died with dignity and grace and was capable of harnessing the divine power of the sun in order to continue on to another world, it seems only fair that I pay some sort of tribute to Kim Jong Il really. We all know that his son, even though he may be able to kiss swallows and catch kingfisher's tears and decant them into a life-giving elixer for his worthy subjects, will never be able to fill Kim's shoes. Kim's shoes have been kissed by too many unearthly sprites for that. But of course, he controls these sprites...hmm..

What did Kim achieve in his lifetime? I know he did a lot, but what are the true landmarks?

Kim Jong's moon anchor technique.
Very successful and a huge hit with
his people.

DESPAIR AT THE LOSS OF THE
GREAT ONE

For one, he brought his people the moon. How fucking awesome is that. I want my true and pure supreme leader to bring me something good every once in a while, just to keep the oppressed somewhat  occupied so that we can't notice the oppression. And it's going to sit on his specially designed hand for holding the moon?!?! How frigging awesome is that! We could see it when we go on holiday or a pilgramage to see the supreme and awesome and brilliant and excellent One! Science? What is that? Some hocus pocus make belief saying that the leader can't do what he wants to? Fuck you, we don't get taught about this by the leader so it must not be right! Of course we can have a moon in our back garden, it looks very pretty. It's against Physics? Well our leader is against Physics so fuck that! I'm going to cry I'm so happy bawwwww

EVERYONE LOVES THE GREAT ONE. He can make rainbow
fairies impale small unicorns

He was also a magician when it came to economics or feeding the country. Everyone had a job because the statistics said so, and pretty much everyone could read, write, recite the owl and the pussycat went to see and remember the Fibonacci sequence and was taught its relevance in nature. No one could possibly go hungry in this marvellous country. There's the moon here, for fuck's sake! Why would they have a moon if they couldn't feed themselves? That's ridiculous. It was only old traditionalists who refused to move from the middle of the countryside and enjoyed subsisting off bread and rice and water who actually did that. Everyone else feasted like kings on quince and figs and sea bass and chihuahua puppies and baby dolphins and ran free with the snow leopards.

North Korea = much nicer climate

You know why there aren't any pandas and siberian tigers and snow leopards anymore? It's because they thought that North Korea was just so much more awesome than the rest of the world and their old homes, so they moved in with good old Kim. They really hated the rest of the world so they didn't let them know where they went, and Kim let them move into his summer house with a spectacular view. The snow leopards liked scaling the rocky summits whilst the pandas enjoyed chowing down whilst sunbathing on a lilo in the pool. They were going to come back but Kim Jong was so nice and awesome that he permitted them to stay, as long as they would perform at his Moon-greeting ceremony.

Lots of kumquats to appease great one

Whilst the rest of the world thinks that Kim Jong Il is no more, they could not be more wrong. What they do not realise is that Kim Jong is merely taking a break from the human realm and is chilling with a giant hookah and Buddah up on a cloud not too far from Kim's Mum's house. Except that Kim is of course, omnivident so he can see if his son is leaving the throne room a mess again (for goodness' sake, the incense must be left on the third shelf, not the second, as it just doesn't look right there!)and if his people are in danger. And of course, if his people are in trouble, he has every intention of seeing to them, seeing as he is omnipotent as well as omnipresent, and giving them many pearls of advice through desperate times. Starving children due to a swarm of locusts destroying the crops? Have no fear, the former Kim Jong Il is still watching over you. Make him an offering of a thumb and he shall watch over you with a keen eye until next Wednesday at 11.00am. After that he will require a kumquat and a small golf club in order to guarantee your protection.

Western human no funny.

Of course, the rest of the world didn't quite "get" Kim Jong Il. That's because he was too ahead of his time, too in touch with the spiritual forces that governed the world and had too much control on them to allow the other world leaders to understand. I mean, they couldn't even BEGIN to comprehend how awesome and powerful Kim Jong Il was so what could they do? They're all stupid, and the only thing that they know how to do is laugh. They're not clever enough to learn from Kim and too worthless to bother teaching, so they can have their little joke. But one day Kim's power will rule and reign true.

For it predicts, the sacred scripts describe (the sacred scripts written by the blood of a bear that Kim Jong Il killed when he was 3 and he realised that he was truly on a path to greatness)that the great one will rise again and rule all. He will shit on Jesus Christ when Jesus tries to steal the limelight, and will then punish all the Christians for not believing in Kim Jong. They shall be punished by being chased around a mulberry bush for eternity, with cramp in their left toe whilst being taunted by a giant pufferfish. And two gay men. Yes. All who have not been true to Kim will be punished.

IT'S SO CLOSE? OM NOM NOM

Kim hadn't stopped at the moon though. No. Soon after his death (really his recuperation period for when he has to rise again at his worst) it was discovered that he had been concocting plans to bring Mars to his people so that they could feast on Mars bars and solve the problem of world hunger. Everyone knows that Mars well and truly has a gooey and caramely centre, and there isn't enough food on earth for everyone. Kim Jong was a genius to start thinking of this sort of thing. It really shows his compassion for the world, which sometimes didn't come out to well. He was sometimes a 'me me me me me' person, but truly, at heart, he too had a deep soft, gooey, caramely centre. May he reign true when he returns,.

There are also rumours that he may be coming back with his best buddy Gaddafi  once Gaddafi stops sulking into the pile of silk pillows about his demise. 

Maths shall rule the world.

Yep. This is maths in action.

If it doesn't already, that is. And I'm pretty sure that it's the under-ruling, underlying principle for pretty much everything in this universe. What I just don't quite understand is how so many people hate maths. WHY?! It's easy! It's brilliant! Most of the time you can only be right or wrong, and if you become really good at it you get to play with imaginary numbers! Like the square root of -1!

I don't know. Maybe I'm just sad, and have it in my genes (practically a certainty). But if you think about it, it's the universal language of everything. Go to a man in Vietnam (provided that he's somewhat educated in arithmetic), indicate the amount of product you want by holding up the relevant number of fingers, he give you correct amount most of the time. You understand? Even something as simple as that is understood everywhere. And you can use it to help formulate and prove theories... It goes on and on and on.

Why are people stuck at 45 x 56? Can no one acquaint themselves with Pythagoras as easily as they used to? Because it seems that all you lot got stuck at the boring bit. You know that we have calculators to do all the silly little arithmetic work these days, one must save one's thoughts for something more testing! Like coming up with new theorems and shit. If you're too busy trying to devise some sort of mechanism or order for a black hole, the last thing you want to be doing is multiplying 438776888 by 29.

I've realised that I like Maths because it makes sense. Having a couple of weeks of maths lessons has made me want more. May be it's a good thing that I stopped before calculus (I think) etc etc... I enjoy being blissfully unaware.