Jamie "Jam-jar-crackers" Oliver and Petal Blossom Rainbow

Jamie and the Gang.  Not his actual gang, two are posers.

I could always tell that Mr Jamie Oliver was a bit of a funny one. There was something about the way that he drops the 'h' at the start of any word beginning with said letter, the sort of thing that makes us feel that he's "down to earth" with us. Nice and honest and just one of us, one of us common as muck people who happened to be very good at selling the way he cooked and making a lovely little fortune out of it. May be it's the way that I think that he's being too deliberately informal with us indicates that in fact he is compensating for something else... that he just doesn't quite get it.
And so he doesn't.

One thing he doesn't understand (and nor his wife, provided she had a say in the matter. Or maybe all of the say? Well, in that case, they're both as bad as each other) is the concept of naming a child. When people say that they want to call their child "Princess Fennelgreek Tinkerbell Dressing-gown" they generally do it in jest. Oh no. Not Jamie. It went all the way to the birth certificate. Four times. Let's have a run-down, shall we?

Poppy Honey Rosemary (only the first two names are used...)

Daisy Boo Pamela (ditto)

YOU MAD BRO

Yes, a bit outlandish. Why do their children have two first names? Or are they double barrelled? Just in case the child gets bored of being called one they can switch to te other? Personally I'd quit whilst I'm ahead and leave it on Poppy and Rosemary. No idea how the boo crept up into it.

However, now we have 

Petal Blossom Rainbow

Buddy Bear (he is a boy sadly)

And they were called this years ago (well, a couple) and I think that the "name your baby something crazy" trend was somewhat waning. Maybe Oliver wanted to give it a new lease of life? 

This man is bullying me. Get him away from me now. Please.
Are you mocking me with that suit? D:

Maybe he secretly really hates children and is doing everything  in his power to stop them from having nice things. Like, a normal name, or turkey twizzlers once a week on Fridays. Of course he does it ever so subtly, but it's only really the kids who feel openly victimised whereas the adults are clueless as to the torture regimes being rolled out across the country... And whenever the kids try to fight their corner, we refuse to listen because we know what's best. However, all Oliver wants to do is make their lives a misery...

Errol. A spud of wise
counsel

What I think the real case is with these loopy nomenclature of offspring is that Jamie Oliver isn't quite functioning on the same level as the rest of us human beings. Either that or they were on some sort of high that I would also quite like to try whilst coming up with baby names... Maybe they came up with them in college  when they were high on mdma and made a very solemn vow that they carried forward all through to this day... 

However, the most likely story is that Jamie Oliver's cabbage patch told him to do so. Either that or the potato plant told him that calling her that instead of "Alice" would bring much more fortune and prosperity to his household. And I guess it worked? 

Daisy and Poppy got off rather lightly.

A lot of people are quick to judge Oliver's quirky names for his two newest additions to his family. Yes, they are odd names. Yes, I would not even use those words in the same sentence in that order either, and I am aware that they are all nouns alongside proper nouns as well now. However, Jamie was doing it in his family's best interests. What would you rather do if a potato gave you some odd yet thought provoking advice upon naming your brood? Yes, he must be slightly tapped in the head in order to be able to communicate with root vegetables... or probably anything that grows in his garden for that matter. However, what that potato or turnip or other vegetable told him to do is serving him well, so we can't dismiss Oliver's slight loopiness just yet. It's only when he starts including guest slots from his herb garden that we know that he's exceeded tolerable levels of insanity for the public to view. However I don't think that he's quite capable of achieving Kim Jong "Batshit-bonkers-loony" Il's insanity unless he starts deciding that he's his garden's god and therefore Supreme Ruler Of the Vegetable Kingdom...

Why call a boy Bear? I don't even...

I digress. Whichever vegetable spoke to him on that day was certainly a wise one, and told him that a boring name would be shit for his kid so something natural and flowy would work well and stir up the creativity in her personality etc etc... Of course Jamie believes in this new age crap. His heart and soul is in his veg. So he has genuinely named his last two kids crazy names in the belief that it will give them prosperity.

Who the hell would bully them at school for their names? Besides, they're off to the same school as Apple. Any name that has recently featured in the top 30 baby names for the past five years is sneered at and bullied in those places. Nobody has told these people that you're not meant to name your kids after actual things ...

"You thought Harvey learnt the C word from Jake? Well, you are
much mistaken. I am the one who taught him it." mwahahaha

Also Jamie believes that turkey twizzlers and other processed foods teach children swear words. Therefore everyone should eat organic food because it is packed full of thesauruses. Apparently.

"WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?"

So far gone I think I'm fraping myself?

Seeing as the day that I met the wooden cherub was yesterday, I do believe that I could quite possibly be fraping myself in this post. Well, not necessarily fraping, seeing as this is not facebook, but I thought that blaping (which I invented just now) sounds a bit lame. But the same premise is there, someone else taking control of your social networking life and is going to most probably write something different to what you'd normally put. 

It feels like that is happening a lot to me lately. Especially around the weekend time. I think that it is a combination of weekend time and reading a lot of Chris (Simpsons Artist)'s posts and works. He has a very unique style, and you can quite easily slip into it without much thought really. it's like being fluent in another language but not quite because you are still in your mother tongue and all you have to do is forget punctuation and grammar and occasionally throw in an unexpected concept whilst I laugh at small owls tumble over. I hope you get the gist of it...

This is one of my favourite works from Chris (Simpsons Artist) because he is really good and his pictures fill me up with glee. That is because all he wants is for his fans and friends (and every fan is his friend as long as they don't make his mum shout at him and send him up to the loft again)is them to be wild and happy and fun and confident and the best them they can be. I like the hand in this picture because of the way that the fingers are drawn bendy but not too bendy and not too straight so that we really are going wild. If we put our hand up lots we could upset baby owls that are trying to fly and disrupting mother nature is not cool or wild so that's why we only do it a little bit because humans don't have wings so shouldn't be up in the air. It really gets me in a party mood. I bet chris does this a lot when he jumps off his garage because he seems to do it a lot on facebook and twitter. I wonder whether he gets out of breath when he tries to say his sentences too.

That's me he;s talking to

Look he even said something nice about me on twitter so he must be a GOOD EGG. And he always signs his posts XOX because he is giving you two kisses and a hug in the middle because he's sweet.

I know why this feels like frape... it's because it's so much more fun than writing your normal everyday statuses and posts and blah blah blah. Personally I think it's funny when I get fraped, the more ridiculous and creative the better. However I've never had a life turny-upside-downy frape unlike some people, so don't know its full terror... But I don't take myself too seriously, especially not on the internet because it isn't real life, is it? I know it's getting close to it but...you still have more fun if you don't take yourself too seriously. The best times are when acting like complete and utter fools, throw caution to the wind and make hay whilst the sun still shines.

But oh shit my facebook has some weird statuses left by me... it's only weekend fever I haven't really gone batty and I sound more like im going batty because I'm writing like Chris Simpsons Artist again. 

i think this article has gone on long enough. Top of the morning.

xox

19th February. 20.27.

I primarily would like to start this post by informing you that I am merely doing this as a means of procrastination. yes, that's right. I am writing lots and lots of words instead of doing something where I have two paragraphs left of a few well-chosen words. I don't really like spending that much time over words to be honest. I end up spending too much time and not getting anything written as I get so frustrated over the structure of a bloody sentence. And all of this for an evaluation on an experiment to find out which was the best fuel for camping out of hexane and methanol? All I really have to say was that my experiment was shite because the draught excluders weren't good enough, the calorimeter didn't heat up the water efficiently as some heat was lost ergo affecting my result, and I did it in different conditions to the high and mighty data book. Ok. So I've written it here. Why can't I write it in my essay and spread it out over three paragraphs? Argh. D: