Jamie "Jam-jar-crackers" Oliver and Petal Blossom Rainbow

Jamie and the Gang.  Not his actual gang, two are posers.

I could always tell that Mr Jamie Oliver was a bit of a funny one. There was something about the way that he drops the 'h' at the start of any word beginning with said letter, the sort of thing that makes us feel that he's "down to earth" with us. Nice and honest and just one of us, one of us common as muck people who happened to be very good at selling the way he cooked and making a lovely little fortune out of it. May be it's the way that I think that he's being too deliberately informal with us indicates that in fact he is compensating for something else... that he just doesn't quite get it.
And so he doesn't.

One thing he doesn't understand (and nor his wife, provided she had a say in the matter. Or maybe all of the say? Well, in that case, they're both as bad as each other) is the concept of naming a child. When people say that they want to call their child "Princess Fennelgreek Tinkerbell Dressing-gown" they generally do it in jest. Oh no. Not Jamie. It went all the way to the birth certificate. Four times. Let's have a run-down, shall we?

Poppy Honey Rosemary (only the first two names are used...)

Daisy Boo Pamela (ditto)

YOU MAD BRO

Yes, a bit outlandish. Why do their children have two first names? Or are they double barrelled? Just in case the child gets bored of being called one they can switch to te other? Personally I'd quit whilst I'm ahead and leave it on Poppy and Rosemary. No idea how the boo crept up into it.

However, now we have 

Petal Blossom Rainbow

Buddy Bear (he is a boy sadly)

And they were called this years ago (well, a couple) and I think that the "name your baby something crazy" trend was somewhat waning. Maybe Oliver wanted to give it a new lease of life? 

This man is bullying me. Get him away from me now. Please.
Are you mocking me with that suit? D:

Maybe he secretly really hates children and is doing everything  in his power to stop them from having nice things. Like, a normal name, or turkey twizzlers once a week on Fridays. Of course he does it ever so subtly, but it's only really the kids who feel openly victimised whereas the adults are clueless as to the torture regimes being rolled out across the country... And whenever the kids try to fight their corner, we refuse to listen because we know what's best. However, all Oliver wants to do is make their lives a misery...

Errol. A spud of wise
counsel

What I think the real case is with these loopy nomenclature of offspring is that Jamie Oliver isn't quite functioning on the same level as the rest of us human beings. Either that or they were on some sort of high that I would also quite like to try whilst coming up with baby names... Maybe they came up with them in college  when they were high on mdma and made a very solemn vow that they carried forward all through to this day... 

However, the most likely story is that Jamie Oliver's cabbage patch told him to do so. Either that or the potato plant told him that calling her that instead of "Alice" would bring much more fortune and prosperity to his household. And I guess it worked? 

Daisy and Poppy got off rather lightly.

A lot of people are quick to judge Oliver's quirky names for his two newest additions to his family. Yes, they are odd names. Yes, I would not even use those words in the same sentence in that order either, and I am aware that they are all nouns alongside proper nouns as well now. However, Jamie was doing it in his family's best interests. What would you rather do if a potato gave you some odd yet thought provoking advice upon naming your brood? Yes, he must be slightly tapped in the head in order to be able to communicate with root vegetables... or probably anything that grows in his garden for that matter. However, what that potato or turnip or other vegetable told him to do is serving him well, so we can't dismiss Oliver's slight loopiness just yet. It's only when he starts including guest slots from his herb garden that we know that he's exceeded tolerable levels of insanity for the public to view. However I don't think that he's quite capable of achieving Kim Jong "Batshit-bonkers-loony" Il's insanity unless he starts deciding that he's his garden's god and therefore Supreme Ruler Of the Vegetable Kingdom...

Why call a boy Bear? I don't even...

I digress. Whichever vegetable spoke to him on that day was certainly a wise one, and told him that a boring name would be shit for his kid so something natural and flowy would work well and stir up the creativity in her personality etc etc... Of course Jamie believes in this new age crap. His heart and soul is in his veg. So he has genuinely named his last two kids crazy names in the belief that it will give them prosperity.

Who the hell would bully them at school for their names? Besides, they're off to the same school as Apple. Any name that has recently featured in the top 30 baby names for the past five years is sneered at and bullied in those places. Nobody has told these people that you're not meant to name your kids after actual things ...

"You thought Harvey learnt the C word from Jake? Well, you are
much mistaken. I am the one who taught him it." mwahahaha

Also Jamie believes that turkey twizzlers and other processed foods teach children swear words. Therefore everyone should eat organic food because it is packed full of thesauruses. Apparently.

"WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?"

THE BIG QUESTIONS

I've recently started to try and get into the flow of twitter by sitting on it for extended periods of time at a time.
Despite the fact that I was not physically capable of "sitting on" twitter as it moved to the virtual Cloud-Zone a couple of months ago, I found that I was kept up to date with the latest stories. Today it is a Sunday, we're looking at the prime-time 11.30am-midday slot, and mayhem has broken out over the change of television schedule in the England and Wales region.
Viewers were disappointed to find that their middle class cookery programme: "Something for the Weekend" (affectionately dubbed online as #SFTW) was replaced by a show that is meant to answer all our questions. Well, all our big questions. Chaired by Nicky Chapman, the show's twitter promised us a series of moral, ethical and religious debates upon topical issues which is meant to put the nation's mind at ease when they find out the "right" answer. However, this change brought much distress to dedicated viewers to #SFTW and they showed their disgust through their phones. And mini blogs., And everyone had to let everyone else know that their cooking show had been cancelled for politics, of all things. They make me sick etc etc *abuse*

OH IT'S THIS SHOW

Calm down dear, it's just a change in the scheduling. You already know how to cook, and you have to admit that that lady on it was annoying anyway. Instead, the BBC want to hear some people "have their say" about their topics, and it could even be (god forbid) educational or inspirational. IT'LL BE PROPAGANDA, THROW AWAY YOUR TV! You know that those people are going to be paid to say what they're going to say anyway, and who the hell would hold a heated debate on a Sunday morning? Obviously the BBC have to take into account the "hangover-watchability-factor" which is ever so vital to its existence, and had to tone down the issues tackled to be "broad and sweeping and a little easier on the mind". One would not like a brain haemmorage alongside their nauseous stomach whilst they try to figure out whether they're still drunk or not. The BBC ruled out that anything that had long multiplication in it or trickier wasn't fit for viewing until the 4 o'clock watershed, the time when Everyone Who Was Hungover This Morning Should Be Trying To Get Out Of Bed Now. Hungover people can't think properly, so what better way than to gently ease them into their day with some deep but simple and stupid questions...

So this week's topics were: The End of the World, Thatcher's Legacy and Assisted Suicide. Really something that I would love to crawl out of bed for, head pounding and feeling absolutely rotten, slump down onto the sofa and watch of my own free will. I think what I haven't taken into account is that people have tvs in their bedrooms and can just watch tv from there without the painful moving process. Finding the remote to change channel might prove too much today...

Several types of twitterers

In the end, I only received twitter coverage of the show as by the time I'd finished watching angry remarks appear on the news feed to turn it on, it was over. What a shame. I would have put the television on the background but that may have been too distracting. So, I gathered from the general "trends" on twitter that most people were disgruntled and upset about the appearance of #bbcbqt on their screens. I could only speculate as to whether it was truly unwatchable from the word go, as many a twitterer tweeted, or lots and lots of middle aged ladies who are getting on a bit and like to kick up a fuss.Surely the title credits couldn't be that bad? They must have been something truly diabolical if one woman was ready to kill herself 10 seconds in, yet the studio audience seemed to be fine. And I'm assuming that those who had carried on tweeting through it must have done so by the skin of their teeth, it was such a traumatic ordeal. People with such dispositions as that lady should be banned from exaggeration.

We did of course get those who endured the whole show, and were thus entitled to give a valid comment upon it. We would say free from prejudice, but this is Twitter. No one can censor the internet. Well,, not yet anyway. It turned out that these so-called "experts" who were here to iron things out for everybody were a bunch of idiots. They didn't get their facts straight alongside having boorish accents and simple terms to associate with the working class who might be tuning in. I didn't know that experts knew so little! That's what I drew from that. And these Big Questions? Everyone has their own answers for them anyway.

They tackled the "End of the World". It truly sounded like it on there.

And then the next minute... it was gone. In an instant. Everybody on twitter was talking about something else. Probably completely different people as well. All this tweeting reminds me of being in a crowded room where everyone is voicing their opinion, and a cacophany of expression ensues.

I couldn't find another topic that engaged me like the first one, so I've given up twitter now. Birds tweeting has always been an annoying sound to me.

me.