2011... A bad year for the Greats.

OH KIM JONG IL. WHY YOU GO?!?!?!
THIS IS NO FAIR. YOU PROMISED ME THE MOON! D:

As a well-respected dictator who died with dignity and grace and was capable of harnessing the divine power of the sun in order to continue on to another world, it seems only fair that I pay some sort of tribute to Kim Jong Il really. We all know that his son, even though he may be able to kiss swallows and catch kingfisher's tears and decant them into a life-giving elixer for his worthy subjects, will never be able to fill Kim's shoes. Kim's shoes have been kissed by too many unearthly sprites for that. But of course, he controls these sprites...hmm..

What did Kim achieve in his lifetime? I know he did a lot, but what are the true landmarks?

Kim Jong's moon anchor technique.
Very successful and a huge hit with
his people.

DESPAIR AT THE LOSS OF THE
GREAT ONE

For one, he brought his people the moon. How fucking awesome is that. I want my true and pure supreme leader to bring me something good every once in a while, just to keep the oppressed somewhat  occupied so that we can't notice the oppression. And it's going to sit on his specially designed hand for holding the moon?!?! How frigging awesome is that! We could see it when we go on holiday or a pilgramage to see the supreme and awesome and brilliant and excellent One! Science? What is that? Some hocus pocus make belief saying that the leader can't do what he wants to? Fuck you, we don't get taught about this by the leader so it must not be right! Of course we can have a moon in our back garden, it looks very pretty. It's against Physics? Well our leader is against Physics so fuck that! I'm going to cry I'm so happy bawwwww

EVERYONE LOVES THE GREAT ONE. He can make rainbow
fairies impale small unicorns

He was also a magician when it came to economics or feeding the country. Everyone had a job because the statistics said so, and pretty much everyone could read, write, recite the owl and the pussycat went to see and remember the Fibonacci sequence and was taught its relevance in nature. No one could possibly go hungry in this marvellous country. There's the moon here, for fuck's sake! Why would they have a moon if they couldn't feed themselves? That's ridiculous. It was only old traditionalists who refused to move from the middle of the countryside and enjoyed subsisting off bread and rice and water who actually did that. Everyone else feasted like kings on quince and figs and sea bass and chihuahua puppies and baby dolphins and ran free with the snow leopards.

North Korea = much nicer climate

You know why there aren't any pandas and siberian tigers and snow leopards anymore? It's because they thought that North Korea was just so much more awesome than the rest of the world and their old homes, so they moved in with good old Kim. They really hated the rest of the world so they didn't let them know where they went, and Kim let them move into his summer house with a spectacular view. The snow leopards liked scaling the rocky summits whilst the pandas enjoyed chowing down whilst sunbathing on a lilo in the pool. They were going to come back but Kim Jong was so nice and awesome that he permitted them to stay, as long as they would perform at his Moon-greeting ceremony.

Lots of kumquats to appease great one

Whilst the rest of the world thinks that Kim Jong Il is no more, they could not be more wrong. What they do not realise is that Kim Jong is merely taking a break from the human realm and is chilling with a giant hookah and Buddah up on a cloud not too far from Kim's Mum's house. Except that Kim is of course, omnivident so he can see if his son is leaving the throne room a mess again (for goodness' sake, the incense must be left on the third shelf, not the second, as it just doesn't look right there!)and if his people are in danger. And of course, if his people are in trouble, he has every intention of seeing to them, seeing as he is omnipotent as well as omnipresent, and giving them many pearls of advice through desperate times. Starving children due to a swarm of locusts destroying the crops? Have no fear, the former Kim Jong Il is still watching over you. Make him an offering of a thumb and he shall watch over you with a keen eye until next Wednesday at 11.00am. After that he will require a kumquat and a small golf club in order to guarantee your protection.

Western human no funny.

Of course, the rest of the world didn't quite "get" Kim Jong Il. That's because he was too ahead of his time, too in touch with the spiritual forces that governed the world and had too much control on them to allow the other world leaders to understand. I mean, they couldn't even BEGIN to comprehend how awesome and powerful Kim Jong Il was so what could they do? They're all stupid, and the only thing that they know how to do is laugh. They're not clever enough to learn from Kim and too worthless to bother teaching, so they can have their little joke. But one day Kim's power will rule and reign true.

For it predicts, the sacred scripts describe (the sacred scripts written by the blood of a bear that Kim Jong Il killed when he was 3 and he realised that he was truly on a path to greatness)that the great one will rise again and rule all. He will shit on Jesus Christ when Jesus tries to steal the limelight, and will then punish all the Christians for not believing in Kim Jong. They shall be punished by being chased around a mulberry bush for eternity, with cramp in their left toe whilst being taunted by a giant pufferfish. And two gay men. Yes. All who have not been true to Kim will be punished.

IT'S SO CLOSE? OM NOM NOM

Kim hadn't stopped at the moon though. No. Soon after his death (really his recuperation period for when he has to rise again at his worst) it was discovered that he had been concocting plans to bring Mars to his people so that they could feast on Mars bars and solve the problem of world hunger. Everyone knows that Mars well and truly has a gooey and caramely centre, and there isn't enough food on earth for everyone. Kim Jong was a genius to start thinking of this sort of thing. It really shows his compassion for the world, which sometimes didn't come out to well. He was sometimes a 'me me me me me' person, but truly, at heart, he too had a deep soft, gooey, caramely centre. May he reign true when he returns,.

There are also rumours that he may be coming back with his best buddy Gaddafi  once Gaddafi stops sulking into the pile of silk pillows about his demise. 

Something has gone wrong in my life.

I have now officially watched 2 days of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I feel scarred. I was not brought up to watch that type of trash. In no particular order, here are the "contestants", and my views upon them. If I have any. And I probably do. All very vehement like.

Pat Sharpe.


You are my "in-no-particular-order" first contestant. To be judged. And scrutinised. And possibly have your palm read, revealing your future... Well, I'll have a stab at it.
I vaguely remember him from the good old gameshow FUN HOUSE. It was a REALLY good show, but I had no idea that these days Pat Sharpe  no longer has a mullet nor was a DJ so I barely recognised him when I saw him on TV. Didn't help that I was 4 when I last watched his show, and I think he pretty much disappeared into oblivion after then. BUT NOW HE HATH RETURNED. Valiantly and to the jungle. Strange soul.
He seemed to enjoy his "Bushtucker Trial" (ghastly task that one member must undertake in order to win food for the camp. Expect bugs, snakes and gunge... but good old Pat is used to gunge I reckon), yet is a bit of a twat when it comes to the camp. He is boss of the blue team, therefore he is boss of the young pretty ones. It looks like he's got a new lease on life and acting the same age as these 25 year olds! EMBRACE YOUR AGE SON.

Mark Wright. 24. 
T.O.W.I.E
No, I don't understand what TOWIE is either. Whatever it is, it mustn't require a vast amount of brain power, seeing as this "lad" is still rather stuck in the Neanderthal era when it comes to dealing with the complex problems faced by modern days' society. In the jungle.
All this man has done is ogle at the two youngest female contestants and flirted, then attempted to get them into bed for a bit of "jungle fun". He obviously truly gotten into the swing of things, seeing as his testosterone has skyrocketed since entering the jungle. He well and truly considers himself to be the alpha male, but everyone else can do the cooking and cleaning. When there is no cooking and cleaning left to do in your little camp in the jungle, what do you do? With nothing intellectually stimulating being provided in the camp by ITV, it's no wonder guys like Mark suffer. No mags or media or books to occupy your time with, it's just getting girls these days. Nothing else to do is there until the next challenge! Or food! Or I'm boss!
he could have at least been provided with "An Idiot's Guide to the Jungle".

Sinitta (OH MY GOD) 80s singer
I think there must be something seriously wrong with this lady. Here is a woman who is absolutely terrified of bugs, screams at every opportunity and has to participate in some sort of ritual before facing them. She then decides to go on this TV  show, (I should really hope so) knowing fully well that she is going to face bugs and beetles and nasties whilst on national television. Is she really that desperate and/or insane? She also doesn't seem to grasp the concept that "The louder you scream, the greater the likelihood that you will be voted for again".
Needless to say, seeing as she is crap at these bushtucker trials and they are essential for the camp to actually get some food, everyone is pissed because they're hungry. Well, they're trying to be nice to her face, but many suspect her overreaction to creepy-crawlies is a facade. I don't blame them. When she sounded like she was having an orgasm in an underground tank half-filled with water whilst trying to grasp a star from a poor toad's box, I was rather disturbed.
How she can't do that yet dated Simon Cowell is a complete mystery to me.


Antony Cotton
Actor in Corrie.

Why hello there, Mr Gay man in the jungle. I assume that you're gay because of the way that you speak. So I hear that you're trying to compete for this alpha male role with the guys but in your subtle, non-macho totally camp way? I mean, you know best, don't you, and of course every time you privately pass judgement to the camera and millions of viewers on the other side, of course you're right.You're gay, so you have the last word on cooking and cleaning and everything else of that nature, as well as being the ultimate bitch.
Also, get this. He's the camp's advisor upon rations as well! You know that one day that he was locked up in some vile yellow bin and someone else had to do the cooking for him? Mr Macho Man Alpha Male Mr Brainless obviously has no concept of portion control, was the nicest way that Andy could think of it. That's why you never let men, especially not men like that, cook.
Besides that, I guess he's a bit whiney, missing his creature comforts. That and bitching. Bitching about old people as well.
I guess you don't really have that much to talk about when you've been on Coronation Street for a while.




Dougie Poynter.
In some shitty band called McFly.

My sister used to like his band, but doesn't anymore. I just haven't heard them recently, so that must be why he's come onto this show!
However, it's nice to know that not everyone wants to be top dog, seeing as dougie is just the guy who likes to smoulder in the background, enchanting tweenage girls all over again (I think 5 or 10 years since he first started) and helping out his cognitively challenged mate when faced with sticky situations.
I guess he is one of the most "normal" people in there (though judging by this lot it's not that difficult, and to even consider coming on this show would highlight a problem in the first place) so if it weren't for his dashing looks, I guess the public might find him... dare I say... boring? Or maybe I caught him on a quiet day? Who knows. At least he is capable of telling the difference between snakes and small mammals, and sharing this advice with the rest of the camp. Health and Safety first.

Oh god, I don't thiknk i have the courage to go on and describe the rest of the cast. I am surprised that I made it this far, but never have i been more disgusted at myself for engrossing myself in such a vile show.