Something has gone wrong in my life.

I have now officially watched 2 days of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I feel scarred. I was not brought up to watch that type of trash. In no particular order, here are the "contestants", and my views upon them. If I have any. And I probably do. All very vehement like.

Pat Sharpe.


You are my "in-no-particular-order" first contestant. To be judged. And scrutinised. And possibly have your palm read, revealing your future... Well, I'll have a stab at it.
I vaguely remember him from the good old gameshow FUN HOUSE. It was a REALLY good show, but I had no idea that these days Pat Sharpe  no longer has a mullet nor was a DJ so I barely recognised him when I saw him on TV. Didn't help that I was 4 when I last watched his show, and I think he pretty much disappeared into oblivion after then. BUT NOW HE HATH RETURNED. Valiantly and to the jungle. Strange soul.
He seemed to enjoy his "Bushtucker Trial" (ghastly task that one member must undertake in order to win food for the camp. Expect bugs, snakes and gunge... but good old Pat is used to gunge I reckon), yet is a bit of a twat when it comes to the camp. He is boss of the blue team, therefore he is boss of the young pretty ones. It looks like he's got a new lease on life and acting the same age as these 25 year olds! EMBRACE YOUR AGE SON.

Mark Wright. 24. 
T.O.W.I.E
No, I don't understand what TOWIE is either. Whatever it is, it mustn't require a vast amount of brain power, seeing as this "lad" is still rather stuck in the Neanderthal era when it comes to dealing with the complex problems faced by modern days' society. In the jungle.
All this man has done is ogle at the two youngest female contestants and flirted, then attempted to get them into bed for a bit of "jungle fun". He obviously truly gotten into the swing of things, seeing as his testosterone has skyrocketed since entering the jungle. He well and truly considers himself to be the alpha male, but everyone else can do the cooking and cleaning. When there is no cooking and cleaning left to do in your little camp in the jungle, what do you do? With nothing intellectually stimulating being provided in the camp by ITV, it's no wonder guys like Mark suffer. No mags or media or books to occupy your time with, it's just getting girls these days. Nothing else to do is there until the next challenge! Or food! Or I'm boss!
he could have at least been provided with "An Idiot's Guide to the Jungle".

Sinitta (OH MY GOD) 80s singer
I think there must be something seriously wrong with this lady. Here is a woman who is absolutely terrified of bugs, screams at every opportunity and has to participate in some sort of ritual before facing them. She then decides to go on this TV  show, (I should really hope so) knowing fully well that she is going to face bugs and beetles and nasties whilst on national television. Is she really that desperate and/or insane? She also doesn't seem to grasp the concept that "The louder you scream, the greater the likelihood that you will be voted for again".
Needless to say, seeing as she is crap at these bushtucker trials and they are essential for the camp to actually get some food, everyone is pissed because they're hungry. Well, they're trying to be nice to her face, but many suspect her overreaction to creepy-crawlies is a facade. I don't blame them. When she sounded like she was having an orgasm in an underground tank half-filled with water whilst trying to grasp a star from a poor toad's box, I was rather disturbed.
How she can't do that yet dated Simon Cowell is a complete mystery to me.


Antony Cotton
Actor in Corrie.

Why hello there, Mr Gay man in the jungle. I assume that you're gay because of the way that you speak. So I hear that you're trying to compete for this alpha male role with the guys but in your subtle, non-macho totally camp way? I mean, you know best, don't you, and of course every time you privately pass judgement to the camera and millions of viewers on the other side, of course you're right.You're gay, so you have the last word on cooking and cleaning and everything else of that nature, as well as being the ultimate bitch.
Also, get this. He's the camp's advisor upon rations as well! You know that one day that he was locked up in some vile yellow bin and someone else had to do the cooking for him? Mr Macho Man Alpha Male Mr Brainless obviously has no concept of portion control, was the nicest way that Andy could think of it. That's why you never let men, especially not men like that, cook.
Besides that, I guess he's a bit whiney, missing his creature comforts. That and bitching. Bitching about old people as well.
I guess you don't really have that much to talk about when you've been on Coronation Street for a while.




Dougie Poynter.
In some shitty band called McFly.

My sister used to like his band, but doesn't anymore. I just haven't heard them recently, so that must be why he's come onto this show!
However, it's nice to know that not everyone wants to be top dog, seeing as dougie is just the guy who likes to smoulder in the background, enchanting tweenage girls all over again (I think 5 or 10 years since he first started) and helping out his cognitively challenged mate when faced with sticky situations.
I guess he is one of the most "normal" people in there (though judging by this lot it's not that difficult, and to even consider coming on this show would highlight a problem in the first place) so if it weren't for his dashing looks, I guess the public might find him... dare I say... boring? Or maybe I caught him on a quiet day? Who knows. At least he is capable of telling the difference between snakes and small mammals, and sharing this advice with the rest of the camp. Health and Safety first.

Oh god, I don't thiknk i have the courage to go on and describe the rest of the cast. I am surprised that I made it this far, but never have i been more disgusted at myself for engrossing myself in such a vile show.