The Olympics. Football. Sport in General what gets shown on TV. I don't care.

It feels like I can finally now relax after I've got these bloody exams out of the way and done now. No more worrying that I'm procrastinating too much and not revising enough, or the converse - revising too much and not procrastinating enough. Well that's it. They're bloody over now, and it's really weird how I still somehow like the whole sports hall experience. Don't get me wrong, the fifteen minutes that you're stood outside of the damn place, waiting to be ushered in, feels like purgatory. Those fifteen minutes just can't go fast enough whilst you're stood there with a sick feeling in your stomach and the horrible realisation that you've forgotten everything whilst your classmates know the insides and out of each topic. However, once you're in there and you "may begin", I always find a calm come over myself (despite the previous unnecessary panic) after scanning through the questions, and realise that I actually haven't forgotten everything that I know about anything. And, if it's a nice paper, it's actually fun answering questions and showing off a little bit. Those two factors make 2 and a half hours sat in a freezing cold gymnasium not seem too bad after all. However, it is nice to know that I won't have to be experiencing that again in a little while.

finished an hour early?
EXCELLENT USE OF TIME

However, converse to my academic achievements/prowess/ progress, the government is set to launch a summer of sport, streamed right to your television screens. Do you know how I am aware of this? I was only aware of Euro 2012 (the football championship thingy where all of Europe participate - kind of like eurovision except they only sing at the start of each match and then run around for 90 minutes, but it's all just as politically involved) when my Facebook newsfeed filled up with news of an England match taking place, and every shot, dribble, pass and goal being meticulously analysed. When this happened for a Ukraine match 2 hours later, I knew something must have been up. Football was on terrestial TV.

I would not want this man in charge
of ANYTHING

I had not heeded the warnings from the Morrissons TV adverts, encouraging viewers to stock up on their slashed price crates of beer for the coming weeks and football games ahead. Oh no, I was very unprepared. Thank goodness I haven't switched the tv on yet... better yet, I've turned it on and not ventured from cooking programmes on More 4. To be honest, I don't understand what the fuss is all about. Not unless you have money riding on it, then it's completely understandable. Do all these people who kick up such a fuss have money riding on these things? Is that why people get so passionate about 20 odd men - who are all paid far too much, ridiculous money - kick a ball around a field? Not to mention, half of these men coming from Belarus.

What a shit logo

However, isn't that all they can do?! Kick a ball around a field, shout, and be aggressive (not to mention use the power obtained on field to pick up girls in night clubs and get uber drunk without much consequence)? it's a shame that someone whose traditional IQ is so limited is awarded with so much money for something so banal. And in this society, power = money (or the converse) so why are we letting these thick idiots accrue so much power? We all know they wouldn't know what to do with it... or maybe that's the point? However, that 90 minute slot they're taking up on the TV there could be used for better things.

And then there's the Olympics. Yay. The Olympics. They're great and traditional and from Greece, but is it really the year for us to host it? We're a nation run by buffoons! Prince Philip is bound to upset everyone if someone accidentally switches on his microphone or lets him near any of the foreign spectators. Actually, it would be rather amusing, but think of the Queen's embarrassment. To be fair, Prince Philip is the least of our worries. A main one actually, should be the opening ceremony. Undoubtedly Gary Barlow from Take That will contribute, and it's such a shame that the rest of the world aren't into him (or know about him) as well as the British media does. So there's the embarrassment of him turning up and no one knowing who he is....

Then the annoying fact that the Olympics are driving the price up of ANYTHING that is within a 100 mile radius of London, and causing great traffic congestion. What an arse for anyone trying to get to work through the games, especially if they wouldn't normally give two shits about the thing. We will also have no excuse to stay up until silly o'clock in the morning to watch the sailing because everything's going to be run on GMT. What am I going to do if I wake up at 3 am and fancy watching Japan and Moldova's women's netball teams battle it out? No can do now, it went on at 2pm yesterday afternoon. Bugger.

To be honest, all this sport is over hyped. I'm going back to thinking, it doesn't cause as much traffic.

Rush hour reaching new all time lows.

Ancient Aliens? No. You're just wrong.

Alien life forms are a mathematical probability. Actually, probably more of a certainty, due to the great property this universe has, which is called being infinite. However, I have some beef with this guy. Giorgio A. Tsoukalos (the A is for Aliens). I could not have not watched a programme on tv where one of the guest speakers is consistently terribly wrong.

The programme in question is Ancient Aliens, the ridiculous History channel phenomenon which is available to watch in its full glory on the wonder of youtube. Not that you'd want to watch it... I swear that that show takes up an hour of your life that you won't be able to get back, so I advice that you find something productive to do alongside watching it. 

This show is all about proving how aliens played an influential role in advising and educating ancient civilisations, giving them the knowledge of how to do crazy shit like move stone blocks, just to confuse future civilisations. Of course this show takes into no account any sort of logical explanation for these things. Science? Physics? Pah, who needs to listen to them when aliens did it?

Besides, aliens sound cooler. 

Giorgio is these alien's advocate. He is their voice in this day and age, they need to be heard. He has a degree in sports journalism or something, so of course this means that he is adequately qualified to give a balanced assessment on archaelogical sites aned evidence, and extrapolate from them. Do they do much extrapolation in sports degrees? Because he sure is good at it. Whereas normally a simple pulley system would mean that these ancient people were able to lift large slabs of stone, in this case you're mistaken. Aliens made these large stones overcome forces of gravity, levitate and be placed into some significant positions in accordance with the earth's gravitational field/synergy with nature, blah blah blah. 

Doesn't it strike this man that ancient people may have been more in tune with nature than we are today because, well, we hadn't destroyed or disfigured it at that point? Also, we were finding things out for ourselves, I don't think some alien came down and planted these ideas into our ancestor's heads by thought conditioning. Jeez.

When it smells like mould, there is mould.

One of those very sad facts of life.


I smelled the smell of mould in my room the other day, yet I didn't see it. I thought that it was that cup that I'd left in my room for a little too long. Turned out that it wasn't... Oops. I moved some things this evening, et voilà, there was a mould patch. From when i spilled some hot chocolate a couple of weeks ago and forgot to mop it up. Bugger. Why do these things always come around and bite you in the ass? I'd practically forgotten about it until I smelled the smell this morning. I would rather not have a patch of mould on the carpet than have one, seeing as it doesn't have that many benefits. Disadvantages clearly outweigh it.

Needless to say, I have dealt with it.
I haven't left a patch of mould on my carpet, that would be just gross.

I am going to disinfect the shit out of any survivors. I'm prepped with my mould zapping gun.
It'd better not come back.

It did not look as pretty, nor was as severe as that.

D:

I really can't think of what to talk about

It's somewhat vexing me. I swear I've been meaning to make a move on somehow tainting this blank text box for the best part of a day now, and I've still not gotten round to doing it. Well, now I have. But I hadn't before. Obviously. Anyway, I don't know whether this counts because it's all padding isn't it?

I don't know what should be my topic of discussion today. The upcoming Olympic Games? TV shows? That woman who doesn't seem to keep on top of her diary in regards to kicking Al Qatar out of the country? Or then again, we have psycho norweigian cold blooded killer who would quite easily "do it again" ["it" referring to massacring lots and lots of people for no good reason besides the fact that he is actually Hitler incarnate.] I'm most certainly not talking about the weather. What about feelings?

God no. We spend too much time fussing over ourselves that I don't need to write about it in here. I know I don't do that, but I'm sure there are 4 or 5 people to every me on these internet blog things, whingeing about first relationships, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends etc. Obviously these are those who still haven't learnt that a blog is something completely different from a diary. It's one thing if your guardian happens to catch a glance at an open page of your diary one day and it's you bad mouthing off someone else. I'd say bitching, but it's to yourself really, isn't it? However, in a diary format, if I were a parent, I wouldn't be surprised if they put down that they hated me and I wouldn't be too upset because it's private. The fact that I'd sneaked a peek was a betrayl of trust already!

However, blogs don't quite work like that. They are available for the whole online community to view (unless you've put up some special details or something) including Mum and Dad. They brought you into this world, and they'll be pulling the plug on your laptop pretty soon if you're slagging them off for the world to see. Of course, it would be in a post that would be no interest to anybody (apart from possibly your amigos from school?)because there are so many posts effectively saying exactly the same thing.

I am also proud to admit "pots and kettles" here as well.

I'm singing in the rain...

... whilst I thought we were meant to be suffering from droughts?

Who knows what is up with the weather these days.

Two weeks ago, my newspaper informed me that we were suffering from the driest and warmest April in 20 years! There was a lot of talk about hose pipe bans (in fact, some were enforced already. In April? Yes, ridiculous) and worry that the south of the nation would be suffering from droughts if this sunny weather keeps up. There was talk of even closing a couple of main canal waterways to ensure that nothing was being wasted, as who knew when the next cloud would give us some respite from the barren ... Southern England.


Two weeks on, and now look. Torrential rain and what reporters are calling the "wettest April in 20 years". Make your minds up, mate. Actually, you shouldn't have come to such great conclusions that the start of this month, should you? And I wouldn't think that this month receiving slightly higher levels of precipitation than other months was to be expected due to the phrase "April showers". Obviously this is just reinforcing that this is not the time to call a plumber, so Ishouldn't be too surprised that April is a bit wetter, windier and groggier than the other months. Of course I shall complain about it, just like everyone else. However, we all know that our comments will only fall on deaf ears, as we have no control of the weather...but there are some who are able to decide upon weather. Of the past, of course. And it's generally through the extrapolation and misinterpretation of data. I call these guys sensationalists. I call these guys journalists.


The way that they report any sort of scientificly orientated article infuriates me, seeing as they have deformed the research paper they came across, which was most likely to be a thoroughly documented and well thought-out piece of research. Instead of reporting what the research project is actually about and what actually happened (yes, I know it may be a little long-winded, but that's all the fun!), results are misinterpreted, the conclusion becomes oversimplified, thus losing some of the credibility of the research paper as it is crudely reported in some tabloid.  The broadsheets are just as bad.

It;s one thing with it being a badly reported article. It's another thing if it tells the complete opposite from what the report states altogether. I guess it's the whole "dumbing down" and sensationalising that's employed to get the papers sold. No one wants to read something about some long word that no one can quite pronounce, let alone spell, that is capable of reversing certain strains of cancer in a couple of people out of the sample size. No. That would be boring. Why put that when you could put this?

NEW CANCER DRUG WORKS MIRACLES IN FIRST TRIAL - SUCCESS SPARKS TALKS WITH HOSPITALS TO MAKE CURE AVAILABLE TO ALL

WINGS SURGICALLY ATTACHED TO BABY - NOW HE CAN FLY

It is statistically proven that people will believe whatever the hell you put in the papers these days, and hold it to the gospel truth. 

Chemistry Cat strikes back...

  

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/524541_36162

*facepalm*

Cela fait longtemps!

My dear friends, it has most certainly been a while. A great deal of time has elapsed since I last graced the streets of blogger. Well, I don't think I've ever known blogger to have any streets, but I'm sure that you know what I mean. I'll stop beating around the bush and just say outright that I haven't been on here. And I'm not quite sure why.

I guess writers block has struck me at the best of times, and then again, there have been better things out there to go and do. However. now is the time for me to come up with a topic and run with it. Yes. it shall be brilliant. I will be back.

Roadworks.

Possible? Inevitable more like.

what is it with the arrival of spring and roadworks? I swear that there's a direct correlation between how close it is to Spring and how many roadworks are being planned/actioned/a nuisance. Normally I wouldn't mind this. So, they're fixing a road, that could be broken quite soon. Generally I say if it ain't broken, don't fix it, but I guess that if it's on its way...
But the thing that I don't understand is why they (by they I am referring to those who seem to be in charge of organising these missions/assaults/inconveniences)feel it is necessary to work on 20 mile stretches of road at a time. 20 MILES! Yes, that was how far we were stuck in a 50 zone on a motorway (the M1 I think?) due to alterations being made to the road. Joy. Wouldn't it make more sense and cause less disruption if they worked on smaller bits at a time? 20 miles sounds a bit too ambitious for me, especially for contractors. They'll keep you there forever. Why not break it up into 4 mile sections of road that you close off each time so that minimal fuss is made? Or you're only stuck doing 50 for 4 miles. Makes sense to me...

Spring is... Springing!

Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey! (Is that spelled right? Never know about trying to play around with bacon - nasty stuff) It is (quite nearly) officially the end of that period of the year that is generally spent hibernating and hidden away from public view because the weather is shit and any excuse to stay in is good enough.
HELLO SUNSHINE instead. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS MATE?  PRAISE ALLAH THAT YOU'RE NOT GONE FOR GOOD. LET BIRDS SING YOUR PRAISES.

I guess it's also that time of year again that some people like to call Easter. You know, the day where everyone celebrates Jesus' resurrection from the tomb (which I have no idea how the fuck he got out of there btw), and the end of a long hard slog of abstinence throughout Lent. And why did you give up something through Lent? To mimic the suffering that Jesus suffered with the Devil when they mished off to the desert for 40 days and nights to stand off against each other? Or maybe your reasons are to shift a few pounds instead, and you do not associate Easter with any religious connotations whatsoever, like the rest of modern day society. All it is is a chance to eat lots of chocolate and buy more stuff...

Easter is a confusing time for me. I was brought up with the former (of which I don't truly believe in anyway, but I understand the religious sentiment) yet nowadays the latter is more prevalent. And the latter sickens me. Failure to uphold traditional values. that's what.

RIP YODA

RIP Young YODA

You had a face that no one could well and truly comprehend. No one could ever see past your damaged visage and just be your friend. I have come to the conclusion that I want to be your friend, but it is too late! Alas, you are gone.

WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG 2K10 AND 2K11

MATE.

Donc....

Le fin d'un siècle...
The end of an era. And a pretty good one too.

it's very odd to see someone go, especially when you don't actually get to see them go. Moving away for the best, and we both know it. However, a couple of things that I need to get straight first.

First and foremost, I enjoy the fact that I've found a like-minded soul who is as silly and not-quite-there like I am... It's reassuring to find that there is actually someone else who is as retarded and as foolish as I am. If we'd met under different circumstances, at a different time, I could see that we would have been able to stay (geographically) closer for a lot longer. However, that was not the case. I think we all got to a point where everyone was pretty much dragging each other down, despite the fact that we love each other dearly.

I am sad to see you go, but relieved as well. I wish you all the best in your future, just we all need to be kept separate for the time being until we've sorted our goals out and got our lives back on track. All we were doing was wasting time, but having the most amazing time doing so.

Thank you for sharing the most excellent fun experiences! I shall hold them with me forever. However, I have to be boring now and get my head down and work done.

Until we meet again!

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly...

I don't know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she'll die?
Well, sorry to put a pessimistic and realistic spin of this, but of course she's going to die. Whether it's down to the presence of a fly in her digestive tract being the trigger that sets off all sorts of underlying conditions (such as her stomach lining is sensitive to bluebottles), or that she goes on with her life and dies like a normal person, doing normal things. Like crossing a road or being shanked by an unpleasant individual who coveted her purse. Dying is a fact of life. This lady is seriously not well if she has lived to  be old and still thinks that there is some alternative  method at the end of it all. Or maybe she'll just stay alive for eternity?
Or maybe what the author meant was that perhaps she will die as an immediate consequence of consuming a fly which she doesn't. That makes more sense.

Well, she certainly had enough life in her to consume a spider. In this western world, I don't really see many septuagenarians (or octo- or nonogenarians for that matter) jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of consciously consuming a spider. Especially if it's going to wriggle and tickle inside you, which sounds like a truly unpleasant experience.Of course, everyone eats spiders in their sleep, but that's by accident.
Turns out that this old lady ate a spider in order to catch the fly that was inside her. WHAT DID SHE THINK THAT THE FLY WAS DOING INSIDE HER? BUZZING AROUND? She obviously had no concept whatsoever of what the human internal anatomy resembled. If I remember rightly from the book, she thought there was just a big hole inside her that the fly could buzz around and become a nuisance. Maybe she heard the buzzing ringing in her ears. If you told her that the total surface area of all your internal organs was the size of something large and several football pitches-sized, she wouldn't believe you at all. There couldn't possibly be stuff inside people could there? Of course not, we're hollow.

Little does she know that these poor critters that have unfortunately found their way into her digestive tract, are suffering immense agony and are dead.

Old lady having just swallowed
a horse.

The whole book carries on in this way, with the old lady continuing to eat more ridiculous and equally infeasible organisms in order to "catch" the one that she ate before. This is purely ludicrous. How can a woman swallow an entire horse in one gulp, especially when she has a donkey and a cow and a dog and a cat and probably a couple of other things already in there. Maybe some werthers originals.
I won't spoil the ending, but I must say that it was disappointingly predictable.

I guess that this is a work of fiction, but I hope that the author has reduced his consumption of crack recently. I couldn't think of any other way of coming up with such a bizarre tale.

I am lying on some cushions

I don't understand how this phone posting thing works. How do you see what it's going to look like? And where is mypictyure going to be posted?

I don't know. All this confusion is making me feel less comfortable in spite of these cushions...

I. DON'T. LIKE. SWIMMING.

What a nob.

Swimming is not natural. If we were born to swim, we would have webbed feet like otters, or gills or fins or something that makes us more adapted for water locomotion. However, I have two feet that work perfectly well on the ground thank you very much, and I have no need nor desire to go and travel distances across vast expanses of water. I much prefer to walk around the outside anyway, seeing as that is what I am good at.

Swimming should only be used in times of great necessity or peril. Peril is not watching your neighbour's zgerbil drown in the pond and not doing anything about it, nor is it fretting. gerbils don't swim so they die out by natural selection when this part of the world floods. I will only swim when forced into a large body of water outside of my own control. Forced. By another body or some natural disaster. I will only swim unless I have to, and I geuss that that would be a time that I had to. However, seeing as the human body is less dense than water due to its fat  content, I should stand a slight chance of floating and keeping my head above the water until some deranged individual takes pity on me.

I really don't like swimming because I'm really bad at swimming. But that's because I don't like the actual motions you go through with swimming. For me, swimming is "Staying Alive". However, other people are mad enough to make it into a sport. A sport with the risk of drowning? It's setting my heart on edge already. Whereas it would literally be described as "splashing like a deranged loon".

I don't want to encunter this guy past the 1.5m line

i ALSO don't like the chances of encountering a shark whilst swimming. Humans aren't adequately equipped fotr dealing with such creatures, so I think that it is best to stay out of the water to eliminate any chance of contact whatsoever. I don't want to meet a shark, not even a baby one that's come up through my plug hole. And lets face it, sharks will always swim faster than humans so there's no point in swimming lots to go faster. I heard they nip.

Swimming too soon after a meal is generally associated with indigestion and terrible cramps which are most unpleasant. I don't want to risk it, because if i have cramps in the water it may affect my technique and buoyancy and I could drown or a shark could take its opportunity on me. Cramps in my feet are bad enough, so one in my stomach would make me drown for sure.

NATURE IS AGASINT US GUYS. We are not meant to swim. Apart from people with webbed feet like that Olympic swimmer. Let's stay on land far away from dangerous bodies of water.

Also goggles are very ugly and I don't agree with the attire they force you to wear.

me

Jamie "Jam-jar-crackers" Oliver and Petal Blossom Rainbow

Jamie and the Gang.  Not his actual gang, two are posers.

I could always tell that Mr Jamie Oliver was a bit of a funny one. There was something about the way that he drops the 'h' at the start of any word beginning with said letter, the sort of thing that makes us feel that he's "down to earth" with us. Nice and honest and just one of us, one of us common as muck people who happened to be very good at selling the way he cooked and making a lovely little fortune out of it. May be it's the way that I think that he's being too deliberately informal with us indicates that in fact he is compensating for something else... that he just doesn't quite get it.
And so he doesn't.

One thing he doesn't understand (and nor his wife, provided she had a say in the matter. Or maybe all of the say? Well, in that case, they're both as bad as each other) is the concept of naming a child. When people say that they want to call their child "Princess Fennelgreek Tinkerbell Dressing-gown" they generally do it in jest. Oh no. Not Jamie. It went all the way to the birth certificate. Four times. Let's have a run-down, shall we?

Poppy Honey Rosemary (only the first two names are used...)

Daisy Boo Pamela (ditto)

YOU MAD BRO

Yes, a bit outlandish. Why do their children have two first names? Or are they double barrelled? Just in case the child gets bored of being called one they can switch to te other? Personally I'd quit whilst I'm ahead and leave it on Poppy and Rosemary. No idea how the boo crept up into it.

However, now we have 

Petal Blossom Rainbow

Buddy Bear (he is a boy sadly)

And they were called this years ago (well, a couple) and I think that the "name your baby something crazy" trend was somewhat waning. Maybe Oliver wanted to give it a new lease of life? 

This man is bullying me. Get him away from me now. Please.
Are you mocking me with that suit? D:

Maybe he secretly really hates children and is doing everything  in his power to stop them from having nice things. Like, a normal name, or turkey twizzlers once a week on Fridays. Of course he does it ever so subtly, but it's only really the kids who feel openly victimised whereas the adults are clueless as to the torture regimes being rolled out across the country... And whenever the kids try to fight their corner, we refuse to listen because we know what's best. However, all Oliver wants to do is make their lives a misery...

Errol. A spud of wise
counsel

What I think the real case is with these loopy nomenclature of offspring is that Jamie Oliver isn't quite functioning on the same level as the rest of us human beings. Either that or they were on some sort of high that I would also quite like to try whilst coming up with baby names... Maybe they came up with them in college  when they were high on mdma and made a very solemn vow that they carried forward all through to this day... 

However, the most likely story is that Jamie Oliver's cabbage patch told him to do so. Either that or the potato plant told him that calling her that instead of "Alice" would bring much more fortune and prosperity to his household. And I guess it worked? 

Daisy and Poppy got off rather lightly.

A lot of people are quick to judge Oliver's quirky names for his two newest additions to his family. Yes, they are odd names. Yes, I would not even use those words in the same sentence in that order either, and I am aware that they are all nouns alongside proper nouns as well now. However, Jamie was doing it in his family's best interests. What would you rather do if a potato gave you some odd yet thought provoking advice upon naming your brood? Yes, he must be slightly tapped in the head in order to be able to communicate with root vegetables... or probably anything that grows in his garden for that matter. However, what that potato or turnip or other vegetable told him to do is serving him well, so we can't dismiss Oliver's slight loopiness just yet. It's only when he starts including guest slots from his herb garden that we know that he's exceeded tolerable levels of insanity for the public to view. However I don't think that he's quite capable of achieving Kim Jong "Batshit-bonkers-loony" Il's insanity unless he starts deciding that he's his garden's god and therefore Supreme Ruler Of the Vegetable Kingdom...

Why call a boy Bear? I don't even...

I digress. Whichever vegetable spoke to him on that day was certainly a wise one, and told him that a boring name would be shit for his kid so something natural and flowy would work well and stir up the creativity in her personality etc etc... Of course Jamie believes in this new age crap. His heart and soul is in his veg. So he has genuinely named his last two kids crazy names in the belief that it will give them prosperity.

Who the hell would bully them at school for their names? Besides, they're off to the same school as Apple. Any name that has recently featured in the top 30 baby names for the past five years is sneered at and bullied in those places. Nobody has told these people that you're not meant to name your kids after actual things ...

"You thought Harvey learnt the C word from Jake? Well, you are
much mistaken. I am the one who taught him it." mwahahaha

Also Jamie believes that turkey twizzlers and other processed foods teach children swear words. Therefore everyone should eat organic food because it is packed full of thesauruses. Apparently.

"WILL SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?"

So far gone I think I'm fraping myself?

Seeing as the day that I met the wooden cherub was yesterday, I do believe that I could quite possibly be fraping myself in this post. Well, not necessarily fraping, seeing as this is not facebook, but I thought that blaping (which I invented just now) sounds a bit lame. But the same premise is there, someone else taking control of your social networking life and is going to most probably write something different to what you'd normally put. 

It feels like that is happening a lot to me lately. Especially around the weekend time. I think that it is a combination of weekend time and reading a lot of Chris (Simpsons Artist)'s posts and works. He has a very unique style, and you can quite easily slip into it without much thought really. it's like being fluent in another language but not quite because you are still in your mother tongue and all you have to do is forget punctuation and grammar and occasionally throw in an unexpected concept whilst I laugh at small owls tumble over. I hope you get the gist of it...

This is one of my favourite works from Chris (Simpsons Artist) because he is really good and his pictures fill me up with glee. That is because all he wants is for his fans and friends (and every fan is his friend as long as they don't make his mum shout at him and send him up to the loft again)is them to be wild and happy and fun and confident and the best them they can be. I like the hand in this picture because of the way that the fingers are drawn bendy but not too bendy and not too straight so that we really are going wild. If we put our hand up lots we could upset baby owls that are trying to fly and disrupting mother nature is not cool or wild so that's why we only do it a little bit because humans don't have wings so shouldn't be up in the air. It really gets me in a party mood. I bet chris does this a lot when he jumps off his garage because he seems to do it a lot on facebook and twitter. I wonder whether he gets out of breath when he tries to say his sentences too.

That's me he;s talking to

Look he even said something nice about me on twitter so he must be a GOOD EGG. And he always signs his posts XOX because he is giving you two kisses and a hug in the middle because he's sweet.

I know why this feels like frape... it's because it's so much more fun than writing your normal everyday statuses and posts and blah blah blah. Personally I think it's funny when I get fraped, the more ridiculous and creative the better. However I've never had a life turny-upside-downy frape unlike some people, so don't know its full terror... But I don't take myself too seriously, especially not on the internet because it isn't real life, is it? I know it's getting close to it but...you still have more fun if you don't take yourself too seriously. The best times are when acting like complete and utter fools, throw caution to the wind and make hay whilst the sun still shines.

But oh shit my facebook has some weird statuses left by me... it's only weekend fever I haven't really gone batty and I sound more like im going batty because I'm writing like Chris Simpsons Artist again. 

i think this article has gone on long enough. Top of the morning.

xox

19th February. 20.27.

I primarily would like to start this post by informing you that I am merely doing this as a means of procrastination. yes, that's right. I am writing lots and lots of words instead of doing something where I have two paragraphs left of a few well-chosen words. I don't really like spending that much time over words to be honest. I end up spending too much time and not getting anything written as I get so frustrated over the structure of a bloody sentence. And all of this for an evaluation on an experiment to find out which was the best fuel for camping out of hexane and methanol? All I really have to say was that my experiment was shite because the draught excluders weren't good enough, the calorimeter didn't heat up the water efficiently as some heat was lost ergo affecting my result, and I did it in different conditions to the high and mighty data book. Ok. So I've written it here. Why can't I write it in my essay and spread it out over three paragraphs? Argh. D:

TRENDING ON TWITTER

AS OF 12.18PM 11TH FEB 2012, THE WORLD WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS CRAP ... WITH HASH TAGS

• 
  

#gardeningsongs

My word, some weird people are tweeting today. outside is frozen over! You won't be able to plant anything, you fools. Let alone have time to sing along 

• 
  
• #NDubzMemories

Probably best forgotten innit? 

• #NSN1YEARANNIVERSARY
• WHO?
• 
  
• Miley Cyrus Is Naturally Beautiful
• IRGH?!
• 
  
• Darren Fletcher
• WHO'S THIS GUY
• 
  
• Suarez and Evra
• WHO ARE THESE
• 
  
• If The Sun
• IF.... WHAT?
• 
  
• Happy Birthday Born This Way
• eh
• 
  
• Giggs and Scholes
• football boring
• 
  
• Old Trafford
• sport boring

ACE. I LIKE NOTHING THAT TRENDS ON TWITTER. WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH.

i care not for tasty footballers

I do like trains.

This is my long awaited and anticipated post to all you train lovers out there. It is also dedicated to a fellow train lover of mine who thinks that trains are awesome and special, and I thought she ought to be linked to something awesome and special too :)

This is the Eurostar which is a special type of train that goes under the sea.

I like trains. And you have to agree with me, they are awesome. And that's an actual fact. They've been around longer than cars. That's also a fact. You can wave at people that aren't on the train whilst you're on the train and vice versa. That is also a fact and a very fun thing to do. But you know what? Trains are an excellent conversation starter as well, because everyone knows about them.

Trains on the other side of the world are super duper

If someone's waffling on about flocinaucinihilipilification or the wingspan of a kestrel or even just about quantum physics, sometimes you may  find yourself and one other party may find yourselves somewhat distant from the main vein of the conversation. You want to say something else that you can both relate to without eing too boring but what?! TRAINS. That's what.
It generally starts like this:

*boring conversation in the background*
Yourself: I like trains.
Other: I like trains too.
Yourself: That's awesome. So we both like trains.
Other: Yes. We both do.
Yourself: I like fast trains. They go very quickly from place to place.
Other: It's fascinating how their speed is so fast.
Yourself: Have you heard of those magnet trains?
Other: In passing, but do go on
Yourself: They're the fastest trains out there because they run on magnets and they don't have to get any air resistance and friction from the tracks so they can go faster. They have lots of them in Japan.
Other: fascinated: WOW THAT IS SO AWESOME TELL ME MORE

Isn't that much better than some boring ass conversation about politics? Fuck world hunger, we can talk about trains that are so awesome because they move quickly. Who could possibly feel the need to have anything else as the centre of their topic of conversation?

But why are trains so awesome a topic of conversation? It can't just be because they are fast?
No. It's because they are TRAINS.

ORIGINS OR SOME SHIT
England is home of the train. Brunel, the  grandfather/uncle/baby daddy of the train was born here. Shit, he even invented the combustion engine here which was essential for trains. So really, England is the home of the train seeing as they've been around there since 1850 or some shit. However, in more recent years, England has been letting itself down with its train reputation. Train ticket prices are now WELL EXPENSIVE. Like, back in the olden days when only rich people could afford to go on. THE SAME IS HAPPENING AGAIN. THIS IS NOT GOOD BECAUSE MANY STUDENTS ARE GOING TO BE STRANDED O NO. Mummy and Daddy can't drive everywhere, so students rely on trains to get home. Without them, students will never receive lovely clean laundry and home-cooked meals EVER AGAIN. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. THIS IS NOT THE TRAIN'S FAULT. ENGLAND STILL HAS SOME LOVELY TRAINS.

All these students want to do is go home and have a nice
home cooked meal from their mummy but can't afford to

TRAINS AND TODAY'S SOCIETY

""I want to go fishing," said Thomas.

"Engines don't go fishing!" James retorted. 

"Silly stick-in-the-muds!" sulked Thomas."" 

A lot of trains and train services today can be referred to as "stuck in the mud" because they are frankly, crap. It is quite rare that you actually get a train that is running on time that hasn't been delayed by a small child's balloon flying onto the tracks and getting caught in the pylons or some delinquent youth playing chicken. These train companies have a lot of cheek because despite their shoddy service, they put the prices up lots and lots and lots making it nigh on impossible to see people far away. That sucks. Are they saying that they don't want us to have friends that live on the other side of the country?
I don't have a problem with the people in this place, but I would like to stay in contact with some pretty awesome people from elsewhere. Yes, facebook chat is fine, but it gets a bit dull after a while. I would love to see them but there is one big money-raping barrier in the way. If I pay that much for a train, I would like a seat with more legroom please. I am not that much taller than the average adult woman, but i do happen to like not feeling like a sardine and would like to bring my knees down from my chin a little.
Also I wouldn't like to pay £25 to be standing on the whole journey. Cornwall to Newcastle? I would have very sore legs so no tah.

THE LOCOMOTIVE MACHINE, A THING OF MARVEL AND BEAUTY


Examples of marvels. Everyone forgets the poor machines behind the service, but look at how awesome they are. AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?

LOOK HOW YELLOW THE PAPER IS. THAT IS ONE OLD
TRAIN OR THEY SPILT A LOT OF COFFEE

This locomotive is WEENY OLD. Isn't it a thing of beauty? It runs off steam and loves cuddles as well as weeding the garden on a pleasant afternoon. You can tell it's old because the photo is brown. It didn't go very fast because it needed someone to shovel coal to feed it and coal shovellers weren't very fast or efficient. therefore it didn't reach top speeds. But it broke many land speed records of its time because it is a fighter.

You must like this train. It has some fabulous colours and a very spectacular steam display. Phantasmagorical. It couldn't go very fast either because there was some remtard back there shovelling coal as well, keeping it from realising its full potential.

It could've gone far, but that dickwad Larry was holding him back by not working out enough.

Somethig is wrong

Why has Thomas the tank engine lost his happy face? The colours are all there, and so is the steam, but his eyes and nose and mouth aren't there. Is it possible that you can get blue tank engines that AREN'T thomas?

No. That notion is absurd.

You can see the hate in its eyes

This is an everyday modern train that ferries people from A to B. They break down a lot and don';t run on steam. At least they don't have people like Larry holding them back. However, they do have some retards that mess up the signalling and inconvenience travellers. I'm sure that would make any train sad, but it looks like these days trains are being bred to look most unforgiving. I'm sure that they're dead inside really. Without those electric cables above they are nothing but an empty shell. However, these trains go quite fast. Electricity is good for helping their speed, and it is good for beating the traffic. On a train at least you don't have to see the traffic lights turn red every 40 seconds. You can just read a book.

I wouldn't want to be them

This train looks like it's going very fast but it probably isn't. People like to use the blur tool in photoshop. So really these people haven't just missed their train. Good job too, as it's raining.

On fait du transport comme ceci en France. Pouvez-
vous voire que c'est une mieux idée que  votre système
tragique? NON? tant pis

These are french trains, part of the SNCF. They are well-organised, and partially responsible for why so many more french people are on time to work every day. They can't blame it on the train because everyone knows that the trains are great and on time, so employers deduce that really their workers have overslept. This makes employers angry so the French wake up early and make sure they set off in good time so that they don't risk losing their jobs. The only time the French have a reason to be late with the trains is if the workers strike. The French love striking so once every 6 weeks or so the train drivers go and yell at someone to no avail and the rest of the country put their feet up at home. Doesn't that sound awesome?
These trains with the pointy snouts go much faster than their british counterparts and don't need coal either. Coal is a thing of the past. I don't know whether these have magnets or not, but I wouldn't be  surprised if they did.

don't stand so close to me

Some countries aren't as fortunate as us in train technology. Take India, for example. They don't know how to build trains very well, or the principle train builder died and no one knew the true art to building trains afterward. I don't know, but that could be a theory as to India's shortage of trains. There are certainly too many people for that train. That poor train is truly overencumbered! You can't hear it cry over the sounds of the other passengers!

trains can't climb walls. I know they're awesome, but they aren't
caterpillars

India have a lot to learn because these trains can't go very fast with all those people. It's physics. F=ma or a=F/m. It's tough to go faster with a small(ish) force compared to the mass of the object. Because people are heavy in large numbers. And lots of passengers make it difficult for the driver to see out of the rear view mirrors properly.

This is not a bullet. It looks like it can hurt

This is a Japanese train. It runs on magnets. It fills me with great happiness because it can go so fast.

Just to reiterate, I like trains.
You should too.
They are important
And really cool
A great conversation starter
Fun to talk about at dinner parties
breaks any awkward silence splendidly

I hope this was sufficiently informative. Love.