This is my long awaited and anticipated post to all you train lovers out there. It is also dedicated to a fellow train lover of mine who thinks that trains are awesome and special, and I thought she ought to be linked to something awesome and special too :)
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| This is the Eurostar which is a special type of train that goes under the sea. |
I like trains. And you have to agree with me, they are awesome. And that's an actual fact. They've been around longer than cars. That's also a fact. You can wave at people that aren't on the train whilst you're on the train and vice versa. That is also a fact and a very fun thing to do. But you know what? Trains are an excellent conversation starter as well, because everyone knows about them.
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| Trains on the other side of the world are super duper |
If someone's waffling on about flocinaucinihilipilification or the wingspan of a kestrel or even just about quantum physics, sometimes you may find yourself and one other party may find yourselves somewhat distant from the main vein of the conversation. You want to say something else that you can both relate to without eing too boring but what?! TRAINS. That's what.
It generally starts like this:
*boring conversation in the background*
Yourself: I like trains.
Other: I like trains too.
Yourself: That's awesome. So we both like trains.
Other: Yes. We both do.
Yourself: I like fast trains. They go very quickly from place to place.
Other: It's fascinating how their speed is so fast.
Yourself: Have you heard of those magnet trains?
Other: In passing, but do go on
Yourself: They're the fastest trains out there because they run on magnets and they don't have to get any air resistance and friction from the tracks so they can go faster. They have lots of them in Japan.
Other:
fascinated: WOW THAT IS SO AWESOME TELL ME MORE
Isn't that much better than some boring ass conversation about politics? Fuck world hunger, we can talk about trains that are so awesome because they move quickly. Who could possibly feel the need to have anything else as the centre of their topic of conversation?
But why are trains so awesome a topic of conversation? It can't just be because they are fast?
No. It's because they are TRAINS.
ORIGINS OR SOME SHIT
England is home of the train. Brunel, the grandfather/uncle/baby daddy of the train was born here. Shit, he even invented the combustion engine here which was essential for trains. So really, England is the home of the train seeing as they've been around there since 1850 or some shit. However, in more recent years, England has been letting itself down with its train reputation. Train ticket prices are now WELL EXPENSIVE. Like, back in the olden days when only rich people could afford to go on. THE SAME IS HAPPENING AGAIN. THIS IS NOT GOOD BECAUSE MANY STUDENTS ARE GOING TO BE STRANDED O NO. Mummy and Daddy can't drive everywhere, so students rely on trains to get home. Without them, students will never receive lovely clean laundry and home-cooked meals EVER AGAIN. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. THIS IS NOT THE TRAIN'S FAULT. ENGLAND STILL HAS SOME LOVELY TRAINS.
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All these students want to do is go home and have a nice
home cooked meal from their mummy but can't afford to |
TRAINS AND TODAY'S SOCIETY
""I want to go fishing," said Thomas.
"Engines don't go fishing!" James retorted.
"Silly stick-in-the-muds!" sulked Thomas.""
A lot of trains and train services today can be referred to as "stuck in the mud" because they are frankly, crap. It is quite rare that you actually get a train that is running on time that hasn't been delayed by a small child's balloon flying onto the tracks and getting caught in the pylons or some delinquent youth playing chicken. These train companies have a lot of cheek because despite their shoddy service, they put the prices up lots and lots and lots making it nigh on impossible to see people far away. That sucks. Are they saying that they don't want us to have friends that live on the other side of the country?
I don't have a problem with the people in this place, but I would like to stay in contact with some pretty awesome people from elsewhere. Yes, facebook chat is fine, but it gets a bit dull after a while. I would love to see them but there is one big money-raping barrier in the way. If I pay that much for a train, I would like a seat with more legroom please. I am not that much taller than the average adult woman, but i do happen to like not feeling like a sardine and would like to bring my knees down from my chin a little.
Also I wouldn't like to pay £25 to be standing on the whole journey. Cornwall to Newcastle? I would have very sore legs so no tah.
THE LOCOMOTIVE MACHINE, A THING OF MARVEL AND BEAUTY
Examples of marvels. Everyone forgets the poor machines behind the service, but look at how awesome they are. AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?
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LOOK HOW YELLOW THE PAPER IS. THAT IS ONE OLD
TRAIN OR THEY SPILT A LOT OF COFFEE |
This locomotive is WEENY OLD. Isn't it a thing of beauty? It runs off steam and loves cuddles as well as weeding the garden on a pleasant afternoon. You can tell it's old because the photo is brown. It didn't go very fast because it needed someone to shovel coal to feed it and coal shovellers weren't very fast or efficient. therefore it didn't reach top speeds. But it broke many land speed records of its time because it is a fighter.
You must like this train. It has some fabulous colours and a very spectacular steam display. Phantasmagorical. It couldn't go very fast either because there was some remtard back there shovelling coal as well, keeping it from realising its full potential.
It could've gone far, but that dickwad Larry was holding him back by not working out enough.
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| Somethig is wrong |
Why has Thomas the tank engine lost his happy face? The colours are all there, and so is the steam, but his eyes and nose and mouth aren't there. Is it possible that you can get blue tank engines that AREN'T thomas?
No. That notion is absurd.
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| You can see the hate in its eyes |
This is an everyday modern train that ferries people from A to B. They break down a lot and don';t run on steam. At least they don't have people like Larry holding them back. However, they do have some retards that mess up the signalling and inconvenience travellers. I'm sure that would make any train sad, but it looks like these days trains are being bred to look most unforgiving. I'm sure that they're dead inside really. Without those electric cables above they are nothing but an empty shell. However, these trains go quite fast. Electricity is good for helping their speed, and it is good for beating the traffic. On a train at least you don't have to see the traffic lights turn red every 40 seconds. You can just read a book.
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| I wouldn't want to be them |
This train looks like it's going very fast but it probably isn't. People like to use the blur tool in photoshop. So really these people haven't just missed their train. Good job too, as it's raining.
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On fait du transport comme ceci en France. Pouvez-
vous voire que c'est une mieux idée que votre système
tragique? NON? tant pis |
These are french trains, part of the SNCF. They are well-organised, and partially responsible for why so many more french people are on time to work every day. They can't blame it on the train because everyone knows that the trains are great and on time, so employers deduce that really their workers have overslept. This makes employers angry so the French wake up early and make sure they set off in good time so that they don't risk losing their jobs. The only time the French have a reason to be late with the trains is if the workers strike. The French love striking so once every 6 weeks or so the train drivers go and yell at someone to no avail and the rest of the country put their feet up at home. Doesn't that sound awesome?
These trains with the pointy snouts go much faster than their british counterparts and don't need coal either. Coal is a thing of the past. I don't know whether these have magnets or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if they did.
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| don't stand so close to me |
Some countries aren't as fortunate as us in train technology. Take India, for example. They don't know how to build trains very well, or the principle train builder died and no one knew the true art to building trains afterward. I don't know, but that could be a theory as to India's shortage of trains. There are certainly too many people for that train. That poor train is truly overencumbered! You can't hear it cry over the sounds of the other passengers!
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trains can't climb walls. I know they're awesome, but they aren't
caterpillars |
India have a lot to learn because these trains can't go very fast with all those people. It's physics. F=ma or a=F/m. It's tough to go faster with a small(ish) force compared to the mass of the object. Because people are heavy in large numbers. And lots of passengers make it difficult for the driver to see out of the rear view mirrors properly.
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| This is not a bullet. It looks like it can hurt |
This is a Japanese train. It runs on magnets. It fills me with great happiness because it can go so fast.
Just to reiterate, I like trains.
You should too.
They are important
And really cool
A great conversation starter
Fun to talk about at dinner parties
breaks any awkward silence splendidly
I hope this was sufficiently informative. Love.
This is one of my favourite works from Chris (Simpsons Artist) because he is really good and his pictures fill me up with glee. That is because all he wants is for his fans and friends (and every fan is his friend as long as they don't make his mum shout at him and send him up to the loft again)is them to be wild and happy and fun and confident and the best them they can be. I like the hand in this picture because of the way that the fingers are drawn bendy but not too bendy and not too straight so that we really are going wild. If we put our hand up lots we could upset baby owls that are trying to fly and disrupting mother nature is not cool or wild so that's why we only do it a little bit because humans don't have wings so shouldn't be up in the air. It really gets me in a party mood. I bet chris does this a lot when he jumps off his garage because he seems to do it a lot on facebook and twitter. I wonder whether he gets out of breath when he tries to say his sentences too.
