Roadworks.

Possible? Inevitable more like.

what is it with the arrival of spring and roadworks? I swear that there's a direct correlation between how close it is to Spring and how many roadworks are being planned/actioned/a nuisance. Normally I wouldn't mind this. So, they're fixing a road, that could be broken quite soon. Generally I say if it ain't broken, don't fix it, but I guess that if it's on its way...
But the thing that I don't understand is why they (by they I am referring to those who seem to be in charge of organising these missions/assaults/inconveniences)feel it is necessary to work on 20 mile stretches of road at a time. 20 MILES! Yes, that was how far we were stuck in a 50 zone on a motorway (the M1 I think?) due to alterations being made to the road. Joy. Wouldn't it make more sense and cause less disruption if they worked on smaller bits at a time? 20 miles sounds a bit too ambitious for me, especially for contractors. They'll keep you there forever. Why not break it up into 4 mile sections of road that you close off each time so that minimal fuss is made? Or you're only stuck doing 50 for 4 miles. Makes sense to me...

Spring is... Springing!

Wakey wakey, eggs and bacey! (Is that spelled right? Never know about trying to play around with bacon - nasty stuff) It is (quite nearly) officially the end of that period of the year that is generally spent hibernating and hidden away from public view because the weather is shit and any excuse to stay in is good enough.
HELLO SUNSHINE instead. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS MATE?  PRAISE ALLAH THAT YOU'RE NOT GONE FOR GOOD. LET BIRDS SING YOUR PRAISES.

I guess it's also that time of year again that some people like to call Easter. You know, the day where everyone celebrates Jesus' resurrection from the tomb (which I have no idea how the fuck he got out of there btw), and the end of a long hard slog of abstinence throughout Lent. And why did you give up something through Lent? To mimic the suffering that Jesus suffered with the Devil when they mished off to the desert for 40 days and nights to stand off against each other? Or maybe your reasons are to shift a few pounds instead, and you do not associate Easter with any religious connotations whatsoever, like the rest of modern day society. All it is is a chance to eat lots of chocolate and buy more stuff...

Easter is a confusing time for me. I was brought up with the former (of which I don't truly believe in anyway, but I understand the religious sentiment) yet nowadays the latter is more prevalent. And the latter sickens me. Failure to uphold traditional values. that's what.

RIP YODA

RIP Young YODA

You had a face that no one could well and truly comprehend. No one could ever see past your damaged visage and just be your friend. I have come to the conclusion that I want to be your friend, but it is too late! Alas, you are gone.

WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG 2K10 AND 2K11

MATE.

Donc....

Le fin d'un siècle...
The end of an era. And a pretty good one too.

it's very odd to see someone go, especially when you don't actually get to see them go. Moving away for the best, and we both know it. However, a couple of things that I need to get straight first.

First and foremost, I enjoy the fact that I've found a like-minded soul who is as silly and not-quite-there like I am... It's reassuring to find that there is actually someone else who is as retarded and as foolish as I am. If we'd met under different circumstances, at a different time, I could see that we would have been able to stay (geographically) closer for a lot longer. However, that was not the case. I think we all got to a point where everyone was pretty much dragging each other down, despite the fact that we love each other dearly.

I am sad to see you go, but relieved as well. I wish you all the best in your future, just we all need to be kept separate for the time being until we've sorted our goals out and got our lives back on track. All we were doing was wasting time, but having the most amazing time doing so.

Thank you for sharing the most excellent fun experiences! I shall hold them with me forever. However, I have to be boring now and get my head down and work done.

Until we meet again!

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly...

I don't know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she'll die?
Well, sorry to put a pessimistic and realistic spin of this, but of course she's going to die. Whether it's down to the presence of a fly in her digestive tract being the trigger that sets off all sorts of underlying conditions (such as her stomach lining is sensitive to bluebottles), or that she goes on with her life and dies like a normal person, doing normal things. Like crossing a road or being shanked by an unpleasant individual who coveted her purse. Dying is a fact of life. This lady is seriously not well if she has lived to  be old and still thinks that there is some alternative  method at the end of it all. Or maybe she'll just stay alive for eternity?
Or maybe what the author meant was that perhaps she will die as an immediate consequence of consuming a fly which she doesn't. That makes more sense.

Well, she certainly had enough life in her to consume a spider. In this western world, I don't really see many septuagenarians (or octo- or nonogenarians for that matter) jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of consciously consuming a spider. Especially if it's going to wriggle and tickle inside you, which sounds like a truly unpleasant experience.Of course, everyone eats spiders in their sleep, but that's by accident.
Turns out that this old lady ate a spider in order to catch the fly that was inside her. WHAT DID SHE THINK THAT THE FLY WAS DOING INSIDE HER? BUZZING AROUND? She obviously had no concept whatsoever of what the human internal anatomy resembled. If I remember rightly from the book, she thought there was just a big hole inside her that the fly could buzz around and become a nuisance. Maybe she heard the buzzing ringing in her ears. If you told her that the total surface area of all your internal organs was the size of something large and several football pitches-sized, she wouldn't believe you at all. There couldn't possibly be stuff inside people could there? Of course not, we're hollow.

Little does she know that these poor critters that have unfortunately found their way into her digestive tract, are suffering immense agony and are dead.

Old lady having just swallowed
a horse.

The whole book carries on in this way, with the old lady continuing to eat more ridiculous and equally infeasible organisms in order to "catch" the one that she ate before. This is purely ludicrous. How can a woman swallow an entire horse in one gulp, especially when she has a donkey and a cow and a dog and a cat and probably a couple of other things already in there. Maybe some werthers originals.
I won't spoil the ending, but I must say that it was disappointingly predictable.

I guess that this is a work of fiction, but I hope that the author has reduced his consumption of crack recently. I couldn't think of any other way of coming up with such a bizarre tale.