I really don't like her.

Katie Price spoke at the Oxford Union. Whether it was coherent
or mainly punctuated with "innits" is another matter.

Kermit... lasted longer
in Oxford than Price.

I never knew that becoming a C-list attention-seeking good-for-nothing celebrity could get you a sector for a speech at the Oxford Union, but as proven by Katie Price, aka Jordan (former page 3 girl now has perfume,book, tv series, clothing line etc etc that no one really cares about)it can be done! Her speech lasted for 8 minutes as she admitted: "I haven't come with any notes or bullet points," with even Kermit the Frog beating her when he gave his speech in 1994. The fact that students were asking her questions along the lines of "Who has been your best lover?" makes me start to worry about the high quality of education and culture that Oxford promises to deliver. Ms Price then said (both about the speech and just, herself in general) "I'm absolutely petrified, I'm not good with audiences. I don't know what to say...I come across stupid and thick...But I know exactly what I'm doing. I say I'm a car dealer. I'm a wheeler Dealer. I call myself a rich chav. I'm a chav but I do posh things." Generally being a chav means that you're not very-well educated, love.

I never thought that I would devote an article solely to Jordan or Katie or whatever the hell she wants to be known as (I'll just refer to her as KP now on, her name isn't really worth the extra effort of the extra characters), yet here I am, now that my free newspaper has flagged up some grotesque amalgamation of botox and too much colonic irrigation, waffling on about some ex-supermodel who maintains her vast empire by selling herself to pretty much everything. Some people think that she may actually have a fair few functioning brain cells, as she has actually been able to amass this fortune and empire and been able to maintain it for about a year or two! However, only stupid people add and subtract these days, whereas anyone else who actually have half a brain cell have realised that letters are easier to work out than numbers, and that you have a calculator for numbers anyway. She probably pays her accountant a lot.

I can't even begin to comprehend why she would have a Barbie pink horsebox. The whole notion is preposterous. I don't quite know why she's going around and purchasing any sort of item from the grown-up world in a lurid childish colour, that most of us have grown out of by the age of 5. Maybe she wants to show how youthful she is really? Her childish side, and that she's never really grown up? Or that she's a spoilt little brat?  I would say the latter, and would like to blame all the tabloid-reading/buying members of the population for keeping this thing in the public eye for far too long, and for not a good enough reason.

Matching permatans.

Has she had some issues in the past that I've obviously not been informed of, to do with parents and their commitments? Seeing as she sees getting married as merely making a relationship official these days, and she goes through her men like soiled napkins in the "single periods", I am not sure whether she really values the sanctity of marriage. Of course she doesn't. It's all lust and the ceremony's for show, and then a couple of month's later their new divorce/separation springs up in OK! magazine. Hooray. Can't wait to see who she'll get with next, and whether it will be in a much smaller timeframe!

I also think that she has a coarse and a common voice. As in, she has one of those really abrasive, loud, catty mouths who you just want to slam shut the second they open as they go on and on about themselves, and generally at a noise level that should carry a decibel warning. How anyone could sit and watch a tv show of hers (I can barely sit through the 30 second advert without being sick) is beyond me, and anyone who wants to be like her must have something not quite right up there. Yes, she is rich. Yes, she gets everything done for her and has everything on a silver platter. Yes, you lot are funding her. But I don't think there's room for more than one Katie Price in our little celebrity showbiz world, do you? So why is she making a tv series where people are competing to be her protégé(e)s?!
Shouldn't she be pumping some of her money back into the economy to jump-start it, instead of investing in another one of those vile, sickeningly-pink horseboxes and having another botox/breast augmentation?

Price et book that someone wrote for her and about her.

Yes. She doesn't know what to do with money, that's why. At the moment, the bulk of the money is going to the people behind the "Katie Machine", who keep it ticking, and KP can just dip in and out wherever she pleases. I guess that it is her life that she's sold to the media, as in she has quite literally sold her soul to it. I can't wait for the day that it chews her up and spits her back out, but I guess that we won't notice it seeing as to disappear, you have to fade away...

Actually, no. Kill it with fire. She is a negative role model upon young girls, forcing them to fall into a negative stereotype and she also is one of the key figures in the media, alongside Rihanna and all that rubbish, that is forcing children to become sexualised from a very early age, due to provocative outfits and actions.


I keep trying to stop my list of arguments, yet I find more and more to gripe and groan about her. All I am going to conclude with is:
Do NOT buy the tabloids. She has sold her soul to them, and they always give her a small amount of publicity in return.
Do NOT buy any KP products. I don't know why you would anyway, seeing as her books look vapid and dull.
Do NOT apply for her show. Basically a trap for selling your soul to anyone with a camera and a notepad.
Do NOT look at her face. EVER.
DO make sure that if you see a pink horsebox that you are well equipped with some sunglasses or spray paint.
And finally, if there is a selection of women's magazines in your staffroom, with OK! and heat! amongst them,do NOT under any circumstances open them, as they will actually make you care about these petty nobodies!